Pain

It's 8:27am. I'm drunk. I want to talk tonight about my life. I want to talk about the sadness within, oh god how I have this hole in me. I hate to just pretend that I never have such a sinking feeling within me. Every single day I do things that normal people do. It's very taxing, to have this in me. Like I can't ever be normal, god I wish I was normal. Every day I struggle for a gasp of the normalcy that everyone holds. I just want to cry, I want to cry everything out, but I can't cry at all. My tears hold nothing anymore. I just have this continuous sadness within me, and I can never cure it. I can never cure this feeling, how it penetrates me so. God I wish I was just dead. I wish my friends and family never knew me, I wish I never tried to help others. I wish I never tried anything. Fuck sometimes I just wish I disappeared into nothing. I'm so fucked, when I was a kid I saw some things that no child should see, and I think I just hurt. I am so hurt, and I think I can never recover. I'm so sick of trying to hide. I'm just so sick. Oh and my stomach feels like a fucking whirlwind, my head is spinning into madness, and I'm just going to sit here in the dark and accept it. I just wish I was happy, for a while. I wish I knew what the feeling of happiness was, I wish I felt like I knew anything. So I'm just going to dig, for a while, dig for a place that I hope to figure out where I stand. Where am I?