Deepest fear.

It's 4:18am. Intimacy. Intimacy is my deepest fear. Not because I am afraid of love. More as in, I am afraid of the person that I show. Or of being loved and cared for by another, maybe it is this pestilence in me. It is this cancer, or maybe I am forever uncaring, unfeeling. I am but a poison to this world, or a watcher. I think I am afraid of caring about others, it feels too dangerous. Why do I feel this way? I think that others make me too vulnerable, too docile, not ready to bare the burden of losing someone. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, so I must build walls of stone around my heart. It is too dangerous to love, to want, to need. So, bludgeon my heart with sticks and stones wrapped in barbed wire, to make me a cold monster. Hurt me, more and more until pain makes me whimper no more, till the end of time. The end of my life.