I just don't understand

Currently 5:23am. I sit here, alone and tortured not by someone else, but by my own memories of a better time. I am but a horse being spurred by a master too deranged and mad with speed he does not realize my skin has begun to bleed. I am alone, time and time again I tell myself this sentence. I am alone, alone with my thoughts, alone with my memories, alone with my pain. I live alone, albeit surrounded by people, I am more alone than a layman could ever fathom. To want love, is natural, to want connection is natural. It is unnatural we are told, that one should want solitude, that one would find themselves intoxicated by their solitude, so in love with being alone that one would choose to throw themselves in a place where none could touch them, or speak to them. Ah the 1% the 1% of people who know my pain, yet speak they do not. Voiceless, and with them dies the shred of hope I have with my connection to humanity. What a fucking disaster, an absolute tragedy and yet here I am, awake and breathing still I choose to live. To live in a pitiful existence, with nothing but my thoughts to guide my movements in every day. I just don't understand these people around me. I know, it's a sentence reiterated by many a normal, by the horde. When the horde does not align with what they perceive to be normal, ah but they have only seen a sliver, a tiny speck of what we have to live seeing every single day. It's these voices, these people who desperately try and connect with others to give their brains stability, to realize that they are here, they are alive. So what of us? What of the ones who simply see? The ones who speak nothing, and only see what happens around us? Are we not of this world? Are we not real? I don't know. I simply don't know.

Loner/Lover

It's 5:54pm, on the fourth of July. Usually, I have this desire to boast about my accomplishments, or embellish on meaningless things in my life. Honestly I don't wish to come off as a person that likes to pretend he's more than he is. I am simple, simple to almost a detriment. My life is so meaningless, if I died tomorrow, there would be little people to show up at my funeral, I feel myself slipping in and out of a state of madness at times, dark and blotchy. I have these strange ideas, that when I am in the midst of euphoria, that you get from the close people around you, it puts me off. It's as if I'm not in completely, like I'm feigning these emotions to please the people around me. It's not that I hate them, I do not hate them, I simply dislike them, I dislike the feeling of community. I at times feel like an alien in the sea of humans, not in a way that my individuality can be something to be proud of. More of a way that my individuality makes me abnormal, it makes me excluded from these people. I cannot enjoy family, I seem to be a bit odd, in that way. I cannot completely give myself to people it seems, and I don't think that is evil or wrong, but it makes me very lonely. I am lonely. So alone I will stand, if only to give hope to someone that feels the same as I. To those individuals, I say stand alone as well, for we are one and the same even if we are worlds apart, I am here, I am real. Fear me.