I have no idea

It's 5:30am. I'm a little tossed, as usual. I find myself tonight in a state of helplessness. I find myself stretching out my arm for the comfort of another. I think it is called loneliness. To be a loner means to be accepting of such a feeling, to accept a feeling of perpetual loneliness. Maybe it is my diminished sense of humanity, that pursues such feeble emotions. To want another is a disgusting attempt at connection. I say such things, because deep down I want it, what so many others have within themselves. This emotion, this feeling that they can connect with others, but no matter how many "I love you" s and "I want you"s I am told, I still can't feel them. It's like this feeling is barred off by a wall. Maybe, I think, it's because of what happened to me as a child, but I don't think it would affect me so. I feel like I could move past it, like I should not be defined by this specific instance. I always felt like a monster, an abomination that could not feel. I think I should let it go, but I know I cannot ever leave it, it is a part of me. This trauma, this emptiness, I should learn to look into the mirror of this monster, to feel it again, to remember how I was. Once I have accepted it, I think I will be able to move forward. I will finally be able to see things differently. I just wish it was easier, easier than I would want it to be. I'm just always in this rut, of mud and muck. I always feel like I'm slugging through a world filled with blood, and awful horrors. I think I'm just so afraid, afraid of them. Afraid that these people who are not like me, how they could scream out how awful they are. I guess I am afraid of others, and what they might do.