Looking for creativity

It's 2:09pm. I am usually not able to move and write in this time, I am not awake. Normally, I have this haze over me until late at night, with all this corona virus thing though, it has taken a toll on my mentality. Annoyance, more than anything. I feel a little fear, only around those that are elderly, but I am not worried. I surprisingly have more time than I usually do, therefore I could choose to read and stream more often, and it's those two things, that I've neglected over the past year that I wish I would dive headfirst into a bit more. I guess I realize I'm not as creative as I think I am, or that I want to be. So I'm sitting here, whispering into the void, once again waiting for a reply that I know will never come. Yet I will sit forevermore, until the end of time.

Growing up

It's currently 1:48pm. It's a little early, because I have noticed how much more time there is when you are awake in the day time. I grew up poor. My parent's weren't always home, my parent's were mostly working, I think that is what shaped my view on living, or being an adult. I want to have what I never got as a child, vacations, time with myself. I think that my parent's did their best, regardless of what I turn into, I think they did all they could for my sister and I. Sure, I could have been told that I was loved more often, but I can understand why they would not be able to say, instead they would try and show me, with the little things, like getting me food, or buying me clothing, albeit ugly, comfortable. I blocked out most of the things in my childhood that hurt me. There's a lot of chunks of my youth that are simply gone, like parts that my brain decided to forget. I remember specifically, as a kid I told myself, in private, that I would begin my memory here, in a car, in the middle of winter. I looked out of the window of my parent's car, which was deformed by the years of mistreatment by the previous owner. I looked outside to a winter wonderland, the snow that blanketed over the quite alarming number of gang signs and the neighborhood that was littered with homes that resembled crack houses. I told myself," this is where I want to start my memory". Maybe I wanted to hide myself, from the things that I saw, from the things that I knew about my past. To be a better person, a better being. I don't think it's enough, though. Because the memories will eventually crawl back, they will eventually eat me alive, and maybe I won't like who I become, when they return. I guess we will see, in the future.

Dunno

Currently 12:54am. I am in a state of rambunctiousness. I added someone from my high school, I was curious as to how she is doing, and I wanted to know some sort of satisfaction from it, but alas, I felt even worse than how I thought I would. Seeing her live her life in a way she would want, free from the subtleties and the pressure from others, yet support from strangers is quite discouraging. It's because I am jealous of the support from random strangers. I am jealous that she gets to live her life in a way which disregards others, or even has any sort of attention from people. I am jealous, and here I sit with this green goblin, in the shadows. I am simply, truly, a loser.

Away

Currently, 5:40am. I have returned from my trip, much happier than the entire year I have been working. It's strange, this feeling. As if I have changed, from who I was to someone different. The things I saw, the things I felt, I feel as if the entire world was much bigger than the simple mind could ever imagine. I thought that I would have a certain satisfaction, from this fantasy in my mind that I replayed over and over, but I don't think it's quenched. I think it will never be. I tried my best to assimilate into their city, and I think it almost felt natural to exist there. I felt comfortable, much more comfortable than I have ever been in this city, this town. Weirdly, I would do it again. I would go through the rigorous migraine that I had to endure for the entirety of the 6 hour flight. All just for another night in a city full of personality, where anyone could be anything if they decided to. I think that's exactly what I needed. I think that is exactly who I am. I already am excited for our next meet. Until next time, New York.