It's currently 5:17am. I'm using my phone to type, it feels a little strange, to be using a phone instead of typing it out on a keyboard. Nonetheless ill try my best to express myself in a much more intimate way than I can on stream. Recently I have been feeling a lot more hollow. Maybe my emotions are starting to dwindle, I keep coming back to my past trauma. It would seem that I have something that I cannot address, but I have somehow secluded and buried this grotesque scenario deep in my psyche. In the times I think about it, I feel incredibly afraid. I feel that I may never go back to the person I was if I end up seeking this instance, this evil in my heart. I am afraid of what I will find, I'm afraid that the feeble wall that I managed to build through the years may finally break and I will lose all sanity and patience. It's a bit maddening to not have memory, but if it means that I am stable, as a person then I will gladly accept the holes in my brain. I find myself deeply ingrained in loneliness, to the point where I am questioning the arbitrary meaning of connection. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I think I've made the conscious decision to be alone for the rest of my life, regardless of love, or simple connection. I think I'm just a little stranger than the rest of humanity, as much as I know I want to be like everyone else, I will never be like them. If you are like me, then remember that we are the beings that the normals write about, cursed beings tormented by loneliness and at the same time madly in love with it. Seek not help from unwanted normals, because you are perfect just the way you are.
