Today is the new Tomorrow

 Currently 9:08am. I find myself again, swayed by the thought of writing. Many days, I cannot even fathom what I would say. Yet at this time I can't help but write about my disparity between my humanity and my ever present disconnect. I have moments of pure comfort with society, laughing at the moments with enjoyment with everyone around me. These moments come and go, but there's always a lingering voice, a shadow, a wound. This small entity, shows it's face with such vigor at times. It's almost too much to bear. This face that is shown can fling and throw every moment and cause absolute chaos. It's hideous demeanor can only be seen briefly though, for too much can cause society to shun it. Too many a time I have shown it to be greeted with disgusted faces, and scoffs of disapproval. To the few that see it though, I hope that it brings comfort, for when it is comforted it flourishes. As of now, I know that these two sides can only exist if they give each other the lime light. I realize now the more I try to fit myself into a box of society, the more I tend to wince my tongue at it's sour taste. There will be a day I hope, when I can finally breathe when I can finally expand my fingers to touch life again. The only hope is that it comes soon, for all I can see is the blinding light of pure joyfulness. 

Another day

 Currently 12:23Am. I find myself in a time where everything I feel is empty. Nothing of value matters, nothing makes sense. Tonight among many nights, I feel like I'm wasting my time. Socialization makes me feel all the more lost. I realize that too much socialization makes me feel like everything moves too fast. As if I'm trying to blend in with the many others obsessed with the comforting feelings of being with each other. I keep trying to deny this thing inside my atoms. It's like I was never meant to be amongst the joyful crowds. At some point, I think, I may just quit. I would quit drowning myself in social comfort. To be true to myself means cutting off the rotting flesh of my limbs. The only purpose of socialization, should be to confidently reaffirm my idea of reality. To balance my ideas with the ideas of the unreal would be to coax mental instability, as such I should try to communicate with the living to a degree in which would be acceptable, even if it may be only but a minute of socializing. At some point, I will leave, I think and my entire online existence will be this blog. Completely personal, and never in dire need for another, I will sit here, in complete isolation. Maybe then it will bring me joy and meaning, or finally goad me into ending my pitiful existence.