Confession

3:16am. I have a confession, I have a truth that I must say. I am sad, stricken with grief. I think these days, while I come closer and closer to one of my goals, I feel emptier than when I had the drive to get them. I feel a bit hollow, hollowed out in my freedom. Am I destined to feel so empty, always? Where are these feelings that I used to own? I have no comfort in my life. I feel every day gone from myself. Like I am not really in the moment, I am distant. Distant from the place in my flesh and bone, my walking corpse of a body. I see all these people, all the time, these people who are able to do things that make them happy, or give them a sense of purpose. I wish that were enough for me, I wish I had enough things, and enough money to make myself happy. I think I might die young, and I am so afraid of that. I am so afraid that I will find a way to make myself accept it. Afraid of the darkness that precedes it. Man I miss my friends, I miss the feeling of comfort in their laughter, in their joy. I think I run from it though, I run from this happiness, because I do not want to feel joy anymore. I think I may be lost within myself. Oh how I wish I were here, I wish I was home, away from myself!