Time

It's 3:35am. I'm awake but it feels like I am not alive. My brain is constantly stuck in a part of my former life. I believe it's because I have difficulties moving on. I remember, as a child I had a particular hard time letting toys go. Throwing them away, I remember giving them a kiss before I threw them in the garbage, a final goodbye to inanimate objects. I think it's because I felt more in tune with them, than I did my family, or my friends. My time, my days of a past life. I remember, those two words, they hold such tremors that could topple the roman Colosseum. It is because I remember the things of my childhood that shape who I am, who I will be. Is that not what we all share? Sharing of the nostalgia, the memories that aren't as great as you remember. I sometimes fear that in the future, I will change into someone I don't ever want to be. Someone who's will is so dead, and brain so lifeless that a corpse would breathe more life than that of myself. Surely, I say to myself I control my destiny, the way I see, the way I choose to speak. Yet I see too much of the opposite in other's lives. If everyone is a tortured soul, is there really a such thing as a normal one? Time, a love and a curse, whatever will we make of thee?

Today I saw the world.

It's 5:23pm. Today I saw the world, not in the rose colored lenses I tend to imagine it, but the raw and fleshy being that it hides. The rawness of life, it's very hollow core. Sure the gore, and violence that I've watched many a time before prepared me somewhat for what I saw, but it does not speak to the volume of being there. The time that slowed down, the perception of invincibility that one has is shaken and left a blubbering child. Many times I had imagined death, the human being is very fragile, and mind so frail. I should be saying how important and valuable life is to us, and how we should treasure it so, but  I won't. No, life is given to the unimportant and meaningless, a simple whim of the cosmos allows us to exist. It does not mean our lives hold no value, nay it simply means we must hold it in perspective even for a second. Sure, one would delve into spirituality when speaking upon how close encounter to death we might've had, yet I feel no closer to God, or Satan. In fact, I feel more farther away than anything. It's no miracle I survived, and in saying it is, is a spit in the face to all the real danger that hides away in shadows every day in our lives, we just willfully ignore the sleeping animal. Chaos, is true order, and with chaos we define our very being. So chaos we shall bow to, and chaos shall dine on our corpses until our very last day on earth.