Hopeful

7:14am. It seems like this pandemic is much more of a bigger issue now, people have decided to stay home, to try and fight this idea they can somehow become invulnerable to it's devastating effects. I think it's this fear that people latch on to, to pretend humanity has some sort of unity throughout this whole ordeal. I choose, to say no, to say no to unity, to say no to any sort of connection with the masses. This disease, should be treated as a wake up call to the immensity of connections we have made with each other, dependent too much on each other, giving us vision to the plague of the inner soul of solitude. That we must depend on others, that we must give into menial pleasures of our walking mounds of flesh. Oh how despicable we are! Such are we, these mounds of flesh that walk along the path of disease stricken empathy, let us hope we cleanse ourselves of this plague of the soul. At times, I think this is good for us. I know, I know, words that cause panic in themselves. Maybe the world, the universe is better without us, but I know the cold reality is that the universe cares not of the squabbles of mere humans, it is indifferent whether we make an impact or not. Maybe this may be the end for us, and sometimes... sometimes I smile because of it.

Helping

It's 7:23am. I am drunk, of course. Today I bring you gratitude I bring all the strength I can muster to feel the emotion of love for the universe, no matter the dark depressing outcome it gives us. I want to give as much as I can to the world, to the beings who brush against me in the light of day. I just want to tell them that my heart weighs for them, that they do not have to carry a burden of sorrow, for I wish to hold it. It is these things that I wish to say to the world, these things that fill me will love of life, that I want to tell the world. Let me love you, for you are my universe. Forever and always yours, Brian.

Sickening

It's 4:40am. On a night like this, where my brain knows no end to the insufferable noise of my words, I find no satisfaction. With every letter that goes into a senseless sentence, I feel no end to the torment of this life. Eternal, I feel at times, yet tonight I have no drive for success, or a drive for anything other than a reckless endeavor. I simply want to feed my emotions with swigs of alcohol, and drive a cancer in between my skin, simply because I wish for the day that I mean something to someone. Maybe it is this desperate need, that plagues my entire life, something I may have skipped in my teenage life, a need for care and love from family, or friendships. I do not think I will ever find it, even in someone else, I think I am desperately alone, for an eternity, and I think I should accept it, no matter how hard the wires and razors this idea holds. I am not meant for this town, I am not meant for this world, but here I am nonetheless, I won't change, I am here, I am alive.

As I lie here

It's 4:02am. As I lie here, beaten and drunk in the vastness of my absurdity, I cling to think about the memories I had alone. In New York, I felt so different. As if I was someone else. I felt freedom, but if you are someone with a molecule of intelligence you would know that freedom, while something to always strive for, has a deep dark side to it. This freedom, that can quench my thirst for meaning, can also hold a very deep hole, something so frightening it rattles my bones. Death, the ending to all endings of life. I felt it for a second, while over there, that at any moment, at any time, I could fall, I could be murdered, and who would know of it? Would my family weep for me? Would the friends I have made, mourn my passing? I would think to not care, as life is only meaningful in death, for we as the meaningless people, the faceless would not dare to ask for someone to care. It is us truly, who die in darkness, who the masses do not see, who truly suffer the void of eternal darkness. So let me lie here, beaten, and drunk, alone and diminished. So for that moment, for the endless moments of fear that may plague me, I thank thee, I thank thee for the fear, and sadness, for one day I will feel nothing more. Let that day never come.