Numbing

It's 11:59pm. I find things so strange sometimes. There's these moments in my life when I genuinely have no feeling. I think about it a lot. I wonder if others feel the same way. They have these moments where they are doing something and not thinking anything, I see it in their eyes. Their eyes, they have no spark of life, as if they had just buried their family dog. Those moments I think is what I look for. Not the joy and laughter with others, or trying to feel some connection with them. I think those moments when they have nothing inside, are realer than any other moments in a person's life. It cuts through their flesh like a sharpened knife, to the void they have in their soul. That is what connects us. Maybe this numbness that I have, is nothing but a past trauma or a side affect of ageing. Then again, this numbness might be something more, like something in my biology. The chemical makeup of humanity, something ingrained in us that will never change. I keep looking, at these people. I keep looking for something in their eyes, to find something I could call to. To finally say, "look at me, I see you". I can never find it, and I can never stop looking. A cycle of ridiculous self defeating purpose. I think one day, once everything I have said and done is enough for me, I may lose my humanity completely. It scares me, but I think I would be ready to die. To be ready to say, goodbye.