Hurting

It's 6:10am. I'm drunk, alone and intoxicated by my brain. I kept thinking about suicide today, how my friends would decide to take their own lives. I tried to place myself in their position, with some factors affecting their being, no friends, no love, no reason to live. I am no angry at them, I am just disappointed in them. How they would decide such an idea for themselves, because life holds so much more for them than simple things, simple emotions. I imagine that they would find no pleasure in those things. Last night, I had a dream that he was still alive, gone, but still alive. The same body still inhabited the world, but no longer was he the same person. I had some comfort in that, someone who I could grow to love, maybe, even if just for a second of my life. Someone who I would try to form something with. It's comfortable, to feel such a feeling. I awoke with the realization that nothing was so, and felt disappointed to live again. I have felt such a feeling before, and I think I am no longer alive, alive to feel such comfort of real life. I am broken, sad and forever an animal of the jungle of life. To be comforted by relationships is to die a broken heart, for life is to be taken by the harshest reality. Friendships and love, they do not affect my heart anymore, maybe I am finally realizing the sadness within. I wish I was dead, I keep telling myself, but I think I would miss the smiles, the feeling of connection. I would miss the feeling of joy as I drink this bottle of whiskey, or the beauty of nature.I would miss the loneliness I had felt for the entirety of my life, the longing for another person. I would miss the temptations of songs, how they make me sway to their beats. I would miss the comfort of sleep. I think one day I might be able to say they do no longer move me, and when that day comes I will embrace it, whole fully and completely.