In the event of my demise

6:35am. I am not indulging in my love, alcohol tonight, for that reason I feel all the more sad. The melancholy feelings that pursue my soul for an eternity knows no bounds! I want to speak tonight about my upcoming visit. In the event of my demise, I would like to tell the world some things. One, that it is cursed with mounds of flesh that take and take and take, to give so little back. Two, that these mounds of flesh that take so much, are full of truly cruel ideas, they are evil, and damned. Three, that I along with others, were not meant to be apart of this cruel reality. Four, that I wish I was different, normal and not so fucked up with things that I wish I could forget. Five, that I am sorry, I am sorry for all of the things I ever did to my loving friends, and family members, and never have I felt such guilt in my everyday life until I grew into my age of 18. Six, well fuck society, fuck everything it wants, everything you desire to have, the american standard of life, and how it pressures us to exist in it's warped mirror. Seven, I've hated myself for only 22 years, but I think my hatred extends for an eternity. Eight, no matter how much things you want, or think you need, it will never be enough, because as humans we are doomed to be forever in a state of suffering. Nine, I don't think anyone beyond the age of 30 is alive to better humanity. Ten, whatever you want to do with your life, make sure to do it alone and completely, because you never know when your feeble body decides to stop working. I sure wish I could've finished what I wanted to say, but words themselves, will never be enough. I think it is because words can never express something inside your heart. It's because sometimes, no matter how much you write, you can never say the things inside you. 

What should I love?

5:27am. To love, is to feel all the feelings. What I hear profusely shouted from the masses, is that love is what makes a person complete. That a whole person is not real, unless they are filled with the soul of another. I say no, I say fuck that. I say, fuck love. To need another makes you all the more vulnerable, and disease ridden with the plague of dependence. I am told, that there is nothing in this universe stronger than love. If there's nothing stronger than love, let me die lonely and in despair because love is too simple a pleasure for someone like me. Love is too simple, it holds you with it's hands, warm and healthy. I wish to slap them away with pain and anger, for love is a waste of a breath I prefer to use to breathe in hatred, and sadness. So, I'll wither away with my loneliness and despair, because this cold embrace is no fallacy, it is dependable, and will always find a place in my heart.

Seeking something

6:38am. I feel so bad sometimes. I cannot bear the pain, at times. Like I cannot fathom the immense sadness. I think it's good though, when my heart aches, because it means I am still human. I fear the day that I may no longer feel anything for anyone. Once that day comes, I think I would no longer feel for humanity. Maybe I am fucked up as a person, I am broken and wrong. I think so, because what else would make sense? I just wish I was satisfied with simple things, like I see so many others... I wish that my heart could bare such simple joys. Until then, I will let myself anguish in this pitiful existence, this joyless meandering through life. Ah, let me live, I pray, let me live. before I die.

Confession

3:16am. I have a confession, I have a truth that I must say. I am sad, stricken with grief. I think these days, while I come closer and closer to one of my goals, I feel emptier than when I had the drive to get them. I feel a bit hollow, hollowed out in my freedom. Am I destined to feel so empty, always? Where are these feelings that I used to own? I have no comfort in my life. I feel every day gone from myself. Like I am not really in the moment, I am distant. Distant from the place in my flesh and bone, my walking corpse of a body. I see all these people, all the time, these people who are able to do things that make them happy, or give them a sense of purpose. I wish that were enough for me, I wish I had enough things, and enough money to make myself happy. I think I might die young, and I am so afraid of that. I am so afraid that I will find a way to make myself accept it. Afraid of the darkness that precedes it. Man I miss my friends, I miss the feeling of comfort in their laughter, in their joy. I think I run from it though, I run from this happiness, because I do not want to feel joy anymore. I think I may be lost within myself. Oh how I wish I were here, I wish I was home, away from myself!

Too young.

It's 4:46am. People die too young. They decide to take their lives, and I agree with them. I agree that they would decide to end soon, unlike others who decide to extend their pitiful existence for years on end. I think I am scared though, of the void, of the end. I am scared of ending my life before I am finished with it. I think one day I will accept it. Maybe I will finally be able to do it with full confidence. For the time being, I cannot do it. I have too much to do, before I end my life. It does feel like a sizzling fire though, I feel it at the back of my mind, I feel it there, sitting, waiting for me to be able to accept it. I wonder what could fool myself into this. Or maybe it is my future, my actual destiny to commit suicide. I would imagine so, because I have no real goals, or interests for humanity. I hold no legacy for this pitiful existence, I am simply watching as this whole failure of a society crumbles. It's okay though, I do not need to know or seek anything like so many others do, I think I am destined to die, like so many others. I will be fine, I will be something other than human, or something other than enjoying happiness. I am sad, I am destined for apathy, destined for failure, destined for the underlying disease of existence. I am simply, a loner.

Deepest fear.

It's 4:18am. Intimacy. Intimacy is my deepest fear. Not because I am afraid of love. More as in, I am afraid of the person that I show. Or of being loved and cared for by another, maybe it is this pestilence in me. It is this cancer, or maybe I am forever uncaring, unfeeling. I am but a poison to this world, or a watcher. I think I am afraid of caring about others, it feels too dangerous. Why do I feel this way? I think that others make me too vulnerable, too docile, not ready to bare the burden of losing someone. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, so I must build walls of stone around my heart. It is too dangerous to love, to want, to need. So, bludgeon my heart with sticks and stones wrapped in barbed wire, to make me a cold monster. Hurt me, more and more until pain makes me whimper no more, till the end of time. The end of my life.

Fading away

4:57am. I don't know what to write anymore. I cannot understand myself. At times, I find myself more lost that I ever am. I move through these feelings sometimes, and I make no sense of them. I am trash. I never understood how people can tell themselves that. Yet at the same time I know why I would tell that to myself. It's because it's true. I always try to numb myself with things, trying to fuck my brain on things that will make me forget myself even if it's for a minute. I think these things are fucking useless, maybe I am just trying to run from myself. It's all garbage, all of it. I'm a piece of shit. I can't fucking understand anything. I'm stupid, ugly, annoying, I don't know. I don't know.