Welcome to the new you.

 It's currently 11:22pm. I'm coming up on a year of sobriety from alcohol! Yet I have the ache still, I enjoy psychedelics but they never give me that warm feeling alcohol does. Plus, I know I'm not abusing them. I know I'm not hurting myself when I trip. It's fun, but most of all it's healing myself from the scars of life when I do them. I think deep down I enjoy hurting myself, the feeling I'm actively in pain. It's fun, to know I could be developing a tumor, or destroying my liver. Maybe this ache, is eternal I fear. The ache of never loving truly, never fully being here. Maybe in the end, I find myself in a void so deep that I could never escape. I have once again lost friendships. It is of my own doing though, and I comply entirely. It is still painful though, to know what could have been. Now I sit here, always thinking, of the ways it could've turned out, could've been memorable. I have the moments though, and I must keep them within me for the rest of my time. I must go forward, I must keep walking, but it's so hard sometimes. It's so damn hard.

Right? Right.

 It's 12:05am. Recently I noticed something, a shared agreement. At my workplace I have a second after doing my job, it was in this second or I should say minutes, that I met the eyes of a younger me. Someone who shared my pain as I did when I was her age. She smiled, as she met my gaze and I back as in this shared idea. Her mother accompanied her, loudly speaking about every little detail she could muster of her dissatisfaction of her surroundings. I know all too well of a neurotic mother, someone who is never truly happy. I knew how this child must've grown up faster than she meant to, how she would eventually regret the misssed years of childhood she had to negate to comfort others. I knew there, that she was like me. It's strange how the world works, how it flucuates and shifts, yet shows us time and time again how similar we all are. People really are just... the same. 

Thanksgiving

 It's currently 11:54pm. Thanksgiving was a few days ago. I can't tell you how much I detest family. Not them no, my family has done nothing but show me love for the entirety of my 28 years on this earth. Yet I find myself all too distant from them, each time they show affection, I distance myself. Why? I believe it's because it's too foreign a concept for me, I have grown to not need such affection. So why seek it out? Why pretend so much with them? Family is nice to see, to see them enjoy the feeling of connection with each other, but to one such as me, it falls too short. I sit there, smiling not because I feel a sense of connection, or love but of the joy it brings to me that they are enjoying themselves. A sacrifice. Add it to the list of the weight I must carry to allow them comfort. I believe one day I shall be liberated though, when my family is dead I will have nothing. In that nothing though, I hope to find true meaning, less I fall into a pit of true dispair of living. 

Wasted times

 It's currently 2:02am. Times of before seem to clasp on to me like a worm is to dirt. How many a time I've shown myself only to be met with disgust and contempt. It is what life is like though, to be seen and to be met with rejection. It is through these trials we must form who we are, how we stand in our affirmations. I miss my old times though. I wish I had said those things, only tonight I've dug through to see and accept. I wish I had told myself it's okay to hold myself in my uncertainties. I wish I had a hand to tell me it's alright, to be okay in the cold night. I still think of the fire, the uncertainty in your voice too. "I wish". I'm sure in another life, in another time we would be but as of tonight, these cosmic stars we are not. I wish that I was stronger, smarter, more keen. So tonight I'm going to weep of the time that I wished. 

Okay okay I get it

 It's currently 9:51am. I'm sitting here in disasterous guilt and shame for I have wronged a person. It's strange how one moment can transform your contentedness for the rest of your life. A tragedy, a horror, or a moment of ecstasy. I've noticed more often than not, people simply are mostly in turmoil themselves. I had this notion that everyone was normal, having things figured out, but I can tell plain as day they too are broken, not in the way that I am but in other ways. Whether it be the way they speak, or the way they walk, the way they adjust their shirt. It's all disappointing, at times I find myself just saying things to see what reactions I can get, to see if my words can push any buttons, and when they do I am disappointed with the reactions I get. It's just all the same. Everything is. 

Here I am

 It's 12:23am. I put off writing for a while now, I always feel weird typing, or expressing myself now. It's strange to be sober and write as if I can do it well enough without substances. I guess I'm very unimpressed by myself. The way I do things, it's very wishy washy. Inconsistent. Like this entire post. Anyways, I recently went to Boundary Dam in Washington near the border, it was nice I wrote a few things so I'm going to post them.

I made it to the dam. I keep thinking though, what it all meant. To be here the long trek across Idaho, just for a mediocre and underwhelming reward. I think about it frequently, the boredom. In solitude, I find myself overwhelmingly bored, and unsatisfied. In socializing I get the positive emotions associated with it, the joy in every interaction, the laughter you might get but it always feels like it's missing something, something solitude could fix. In the end, solitude is the only thing I could ever fathom to give myself to. It's peaceful, to be at the brink, to have very little and not need others, but nonetheless it brings boredom. 

Here's a few pictures I took during the long drive. There's a few more on my instagram too.

Well aware

 It's currently 2:35am. I decided to write this in midst of my trip. My thoughts keep racing, and I feel so good? Good. I feel so tortured daily, day in and day out the monotony of life. The constant upkeep of social life. Nowadays I feel enamored by the allure of you, of solitude. I try the ebb of socialization, of the need of constant admiration or love of connecting. Yet I come face to face with my end game, the realization of how damaged, how rotten I am. I do not DESERVE love. I DESERVE to suffer, to feel pain and torture. It is my curse to bear. Humanity is not something I wish to connect with. People are much too selfish, evil, and diseased. No more, I cry for release. The release I get is in solitude, for my adoration of the alone. No more I will desire, to connect I reject them. I reject their attempts, I am alone in my desires. In my solitude. I will love no other! I will love you, my solitude. 

Unsure

 It's 11:35pm. I haven't written in a while, my friend. I feel as if I've missed you. Like listening to a faded whisper. The ocean divides us, and yet I can hear your soft voice. I've been in reality more, and less in my own head. I will admit, it has made me question what I am. Where I lie, whether it be in this solitude and daydream, or is it with the connections I've made? I know that when I am with others, no matter how much fun and life they bring me, I cannot fully let them see me. I can show them the face I've built. The mask that I've woven through years of analysis. Who is Brian? Who is the person I see in the mirror? For the longest time I've seen a stranger. I've been speaking to a friend recently, I've asked them who they are, but they meet me with questions about themselves. They themselves know not who they are. I empathize greatly. I feel for them, I feel that they deserve to learn about what they want, who they wish to be. The world is so much bigger than what they've thrown themselves in. Life is experienced so intensely, it's vastness not limited to emotion. I wish all my friends get to live, at least for the time they have left. For me though, I feel as if I am an alien amongst man, a misaligned speck. I am wrong, and I will never be corrected. It is my disease, my curse. 

Nevertheless Alone

 It's 11:48pm. Tonight I feel drunk again on my emotions. Again I find myself distraught and tossed across my room. I have felt somewhat sad as of late, missing my first loves. It's interesting to view, such wrong people who entered my life could leave just as fast. I feel a little abandoned, which seems like such a foreign emotion. To miss, even when they still live? It makes little sense. I think I got too close, opened myself too much. I felt it though, their pull away, their disinterest. I could taste it. I could taste it in their movements, their face when I told them about my sincerities, their tone. How I wished my love could withstand such brutality, my heart cold as ice, made of stone for so long had begun to melt. After this though, this sorrow, this failure, I have fallen into my old ways. The old ways of numbness, of solitude. I think, truly, this must be my future. This, along with my distaste, my distrust, and anger for my fellow man. I speak now, as a man that has lived through heartache, one who has gathered most of the flesh from my heart, never again. It was never on my path, and as much as I forced it, it can never be. Alone I will walk until my feet shall bleed love, but it will be mine alone and forever for myself.

Concerts

 It's 9:05pm. I went to "The Devil Wears Prada" concert in my city. While I took some shrooms, I gave my friends some as well. I had an amazing time on them there, moments where I was genuinely frightened, but most of the time I enjoyed myself vibing to the music. My friends on the other hand, felt very aggressive and annoyed. Their time there wasn't enjoyable. Which got me thinking, why do I hold value in what they perceive? Is it because I value their insight? Should one truly have such value in friendships? I've been frustrated as of late, like these people I've met are fun. Fun and nothing more. I want to enter their hearts but I feel like they don't show me, and if they do I don't like what I see. More and more I think personally, I am meant to do more for myself and myself alone. Always and forever, it is US it is ME that must come first. One who is not meant to love, to truly open my heart, it is US who must make something of this void and hold the world in our palms. Connections seem diminished, they are a waste of time. I keep coming to this conclusion, that which is in the core of my being, that I am alone and will forever be. 

Superdose

 Time is 8:58pm. There's so much beauty in the world, I have to say. The more I've taken mushrooms the more beauty I find myself surrounded in. At the same time, this last trip I took a day ago, I realized how truly hopeless I am. I am not sure if this is indicative of a "bad trip" but I did take a different strand of mushrooms this time. Usually, I have a strong sense of euphoria when I'm on shrooms. This time though, I found myself completely alone, and still able to see the beauty of things, but it was much more introspective. I have realized now that these powerful natural occurring fungi, as fun as they are will not truly change me. I have garnered a different perspective, sure. I have found enjoyment in socialization through them, but once they wear off I'm again the same person. I am the same man through and through. I love that they are fun, and at the same time frightening, if abused. It's a fine line though the line we tread on a trip. More and more I enjoy myself. These things I think should be used alone to truly delve into what makes my life, my life. 

Questions

 It's currently 8:42pm. Lately I've been noticing things about people. Their tastes, their likes, their interests, their traumas. I can't say I do not feel anything for them. Is it pity? Is it empathy? Who's to say? Not I, for someone such as I who feels so little I am once again thrust into emotionally charged words. How does one comfort others? How do I saturate my face with emotion? Numbness is all I know at these times. Disassociation by fleeing. My default setting of numbness, of emotionless apathy. I notice things, yes, I ache to feel attached. I ache so much, but never could feel it. I fear I've lost so many emotions, apathy is the only constant. I enjoy knowing others, intensely. I enjoy seeing their sadness, their fears, their joy. Is it because I ache for knowing their emotions? Is it because I cry out to god in anger for making me this way? God is a pathetic notion, for in the vastness of the absurdity we call the cosmos, we have the gall to call this divine perfection? So cosmos, absurdity, indifference, why have you made me so? To give me a hell of your own making? Or is it because I am meant to live a different life? Where am I to go? Who am I to be? 

A simple day

 It's currently 11:49pm, at the time of writing this blog entry. I'm listening to "I'm Single" by Lil Wayne. It was recommended by a friend. Today I began by waking up at 7:30am, for work. I went and left, came home and watched "Scooby-Doo" the live action movie with Matthew Lillard. I can tell you right now, that he did a phenomenal job in portraying Shaggy. It really sold the movie, his dynamic with a very 2000's cgi dog. I slept through a couple horror movies, that my sister ended up watching. It's strange to want to connect yet be so far away. I dislike the time I spend with my family. I connect with them, but the times I do it never feels good. It feels wrong. I took a mushroom pill of 500mgs. I spent time with Zolt in his stream, simply listening and vibing to the music. Coming down, I tried to realize the complete oneness of my life. I know as an asexual person, I could never be like them. It's sad to me, to never able to love. I do not mean sex, but love, romantic love, it's alluring. Alluring but unsatisfying. Always unsatisfying, as everything really seems to be. When I came down, I realize how truly uninteresting my life really is, how unsatisfying it has been. I find myself in a wallow of sadness and misery. I assume this emotion is what I've normally felt, and have grown numb to feeling. I am now listening to Low Roar, great band. Now I plan on going to sleep soon, but my emotions are still raw. I don't enjoy things anymore I've come to realize, everything is simple and boring. Is this life? Is this how it always was? When did it get like this? I don't know. 

Blackened soul

 It's currently 11:14pm. In the throws of my emotional stupor I find myself tonight doing silly things. I kept thinking about this thing I wrote in my head. Saying it out loud I found truth. Never live a life of things unsaid, it'll kill you inside. It's so hard though, to breathe again, after saying what you needed to. The settling of leaves after a tornado, it feels like. Again and again I keep these feelings to myself. My walls are being broken. For someone with a black soul, the cracks that have formed are much brighter than someone would imagine. A pathetic little show. 

Connect, or Don't.

 Now it's 2:39am. I want to talk tonight about the strings that we've made in our lives. Time and time again I reiterate the fact someone like me despises connections, rejecting the desire for friendship, and love. I sit here today distraught, for today I am again show a stretched out hand. I turn away, and signal detachment. But today I'm met with more determination, this hand. I despise this, I reject this, and yet they stretch their fingers unto mine. I do not need a hand, I do not need help, I will find my way through the dirt filling my lungs. Gasp and gasp I shall, but for the next few years of gasping their will be release, whether it be from the last of the oxygen leaving my brain, or from a sigh of relief to be above ground. I don't need anyone. I certainly don't need you. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

It's a job

 Currently 4:03am. More time than not I'm sitting here alone, bored and trying to taste an emotion that has for the most part left my being. Tonight I seek closure, I seek an end. In this moment I find myself staring into the abyss, the void. Oh how bleak you stare back at me, how you envelop me in your darkness! I am enamored with your cold touch, I am forever entranced by your call. Tonight though, I seek a moment of beautiful silence. I seek a hopeful thread. Tonight I find myself unaware of your call, it must be the changes I've been having. These friendships, these connections, I think have made me disillusioned, they cloud my judgement. In the end I long for you, I ache for you, I want you. I will forever want your taste, and yet I sit here in my misery. Miserable man, whining for a love that has forgotten him.  

Can't figure

 Currently 12:27am. I come today with emotions, they're bubbling in my being. I find myself as of late, more drowning in these emotions of fear. I've been making these connections recently, and haven't been letting them go as of late. I feel more attuned to normalcy, to humanity. Is it normal to feel such anxiety of these connections? I remember in my earlier years, I found myself too scared to continue connections, severing them in quick succession. It was easy, to lose friends. It was an easy thing to pull away, to forget. Nowadays I keep these connections, but I feel incredibly vulnerable, afraid, like they will hurt me. I am not sure if I will do the thing I always do, pull away. Distancing myself feels correct, it feels like I'm in turmoil at the moment. I am not sure it would be so easy, to cut it off like a frostbitten limb. It's quite enticing, sweet release. At the same time I enjoy connections, but I feel like it's wrong, to have so many to keep so many. I might just do it again, and hit the reset. People are cruel, I know this, so why do I wish to keep myself so attuned to their cruelty? Why do I struggle to keep myself open? It is because my heart is not one to be open, but a closed casket forever, and always. 

It's been 3 weeks

 It's currently 12:50am. Why are you still here? It's been three weeks and you're still here, I can hear your soft whispers. Like the mermaids sweet lullaby I'm entranced. I can almost taste your lips with every note. It's been three weeks and you're still here and I can't get you out of my head. I can't let you leave. 

There's no reason for me to keep feeling anything for you, yet I can't forget you. I can't forget the moments I wished would've happened. The words I wanted to say to you. For a moment I really thought I could open my heart. For a single moment I really thought I could change. Yet as the days go by, I see I never meant a single thing for you. Another disillusioned lost boy in a sea of men. Another tool to use. Another moment of sexual disappointment. I can see I meant nothing. And yet I grieve, I ache for your dulcet voice, I long for your scent. There's nothing for me, I was fine with my solitude, I was broken but put together, and now I'm scattered amongst miles of sand and bones. I do appreciate the time we shared, for without it I would never know my reality. The reality of love. Love that I cannot ever share, love that I despised so much, love that I forever envy. It's something to observe from afar, I see that now. Never will I entertain the warmness of it. Never will I open myself again. Never will I hold you in any contempt, because I know you along with countless other lovers seek it, to grow from it. I hate that I could never love you, and I'm sorry. 

Gigantic

 It's currently 11:33pm. I find myself alone here, along with Sam Smith. I wish that his tunes would make me tremble with excitement, make me whisper his words. Yet I stay here, slightly tired, mostly bored. I sip this tasteful liquor with disgust. from a bottle too drained. I always cough at the taste. In these times I find myself so completely sad. I miss this feeling, all to many a time I miss this emotion. More and more these days I am disappointingly numb. I remember emotions fondly, every single minute filled with another hopeful taste. The emptiness though, it's like wading though a puddle. Like eating fruit that's filled with bland pudding.  I miss this, sadness. I miss it's ache, I miss this comfort. I keep telling myself that I need no one. Yet I always call for more. I call myself to humanity, as if clinging onto a cliff's edge. It would be easier to simply let myself fall. I am not a man who loves connecting. I am a man who loves his emotions. Emotional love in every way, sadness, joy, love, jealousy, pain. If anything, I am a man in a war, a war of emotions. A war he will never truly win, and these days I wonder why I ever was born. Why a person like me tears himself asunder. I know there will never be an answer, for as long as I breathe, I find no comfort in another. Loneliness is my true love. 

Choose

 It's currently 7:05pm. I sit here once again, but with something to say. Something I feel. Emotions are hard for me, that I am sure you already know, reader. To try and conceptualize an emotion is kind of like pulling out a tooth. The twisting, the pull of the tiny white rock, the taste of nickel, the release of the nerve from your gums. Most of the time I do not feel intensely. The times I do feel, I feel strange, nauseous, sick. Like I ate something rotten, sitting in the pit of my stomach, just aching to get out. I feel sad? I think? Annoyed, more like, frustrated. I usually try and listen to music to help me truly enter this emotional state, but I feel like it's not helping. It's as if music gives me no reaction, no feeling. I tried recently to invite some friends to go and do something, flakes. Disappointing flakes. I understand, people have things going on. Not everyone should cater to me, yet I feel like I cater to everyone, I bend my knee to whatever they wish. I think it might be time to distance myself. I'm just tired of trying so hard for my friends. I think I'm just going to do what I want, ignore everyone else and have fun on my own. I want to live again, and the only way to DO THAT is to do things on my own, forever. Forever in LOVE with MYSELF and MYSELF ALONE.