It's currently 8:42pm. Lately I've been noticing things about people. Their tastes, their likes, their interests, their traumas. I can't say I do not feel anything for them. Is it pity? Is it empathy? Who's to say? Not I, for someone such as I who feels so little I am once again thrust into emotionally charged words. How does one comfort others? How do I saturate my face with emotion? Numbness is all I know at these times. Disassociation by fleeing. My default setting of numbness, of emotionless apathy. I notice things, yes, I ache to feel attached. I ache so much, but never could feel it. I fear I've lost so many emotions, apathy is the only constant. I enjoy knowing others, intensely. I enjoy seeing their sadness, their fears, their joy. Is it because I ache for knowing their emotions? Is it because I cry out to god in anger for making me this way? God is a pathetic notion, for in the vastness of the absurdity we call the cosmos, we have the gall to call this divine perfection? So cosmos, absurdity, indifference, why have you made me so? To give me a hell of your own making? Or is it because I am meant to live a different life? Where am I to go? Who am I to be?
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