Torture

It's 6:07am. Today I have a certain pressure, like a weight that weighs upon my soul. I think many people feel this way, that they have something holding them back from being something great, but maybe this weight is what keeps them from ascending. What if, instead of it holding them down, it's keeping them grounded? Grounded to reality that they will not be anything more than the average? There's this fear of being this average person, someone who pays their bills on time, and doesn't have enough lavish money to spend on things that are arbitrary. Sure being average is great, but to someone who comes from poverty, there's not really any other option other than to succeed. Success in any single form of reality, because average simply doesn't cut it. Average gets you another old house you can't pay for, average gets you another number in the cosmos, average gets you another life in the infinitude of the universe. To be something great though, means something, it means difference, it means success, it means you are something different, so be different, be unique.

Another bottle down

Currently 7:11am. I'm drunk, of course. I don't really know how to start these things anymore. I feel whenever I tell people about my asexuality, I feel myself lying to them. I think it's because heterosexuality is so ingrained in our society, I try to appease this inner turmoil that I might change, eventually, once I fuck or once I find the right girl. Personally, I don't think I'll ever find the right girl or guy, not that I am giving up, more like I never really cared for finding someone. I think it's because of how I am. Maybe, I think I am too screwed up, or a little too intense for people, still I know of people who would jump head over heels for someone like that, and yet I resist. I resist because I find myself in a position of where I wouldn't want to be in, ever. I am a little strange sure, does that mean I will never find a lover? Not necessarily, it means I have to try harder, but what if I never want to try? What if I never want to find a person who's skin comforts me? Who's laughter illuminates my life? Who's eyes pierce my very soul? What of the people who decide love is not for them? What comes of their meaningless lives of fortune, and solitude? I think it's truth, I think it's knowledge, and fulfillment. I have so many questions, but the only one who can answer them are me, someone so out of touch with reality, that humans no longer mean something to me. They are something I can never figure out, so there's little reason to pursue questions. I'm done, I think, with trying to understand them, to live a life of lies hidden in smiles and fortified by a personality buttered to their liking. I am not like them, and it's time to stop acting like I am.

Questions

It's 7:38am. Currently a little bit drunk, what a surprise you may say. Ah but the sweet taste of liquor does not carry such a burden on my brain as it once did. I think I am much happier now, streaming. I think I enjoy myself a lot more than when I am doing things I would rather not do, like going to work in a place that does not interest me. Many times, I find myself questioning what I will say next. I sometimes fear, when I speak too much, or write too much about myself I realize that one day may come, when I have no more stories to write, no more things to say to the world, what then? Do I sit alone, wallowing in despair, waiting for the reaper to come take me? Do I yell against the world for it's pervasive inaccuracies? Do I accept it, and move on? So how does one move on from the most principal of human objectives? To become what they want to be, seems like an alluring dream, something made from fairy tales, and as I grow older, it seems to be just that. I think if that day ever does come, I may finally rest. Rest my eyes from a cruel world, a cruel world made from the bodies of others, made from the blood and flesh of many conquerors, of the plagues and trauma of the cruelest of humans. It might finally be a paradise. Who knows? I sure don't. 

Hopeful

7:14am. It seems like this pandemic is much more of a bigger issue now, people have decided to stay home, to try and fight this idea they can somehow become invulnerable to it's devastating effects. I think it's this fear that people latch on to, to pretend humanity has some sort of unity throughout this whole ordeal. I choose, to say no, to say no to unity, to say no to any sort of connection with the masses. This disease, should be treated as a wake up call to the immensity of connections we have made with each other, dependent too much on each other, giving us vision to the plague of the inner soul of solitude. That we must depend on others, that we must give into menial pleasures of our walking mounds of flesh. Oh how despicable we are! Such are we, these mounds of flesh that walk along the path of disease stricken empathy, let us hope we cleanse ourselves of this plague of the soul. At times, I think this is good for us. I know, I know, words that cause panic in themselves. Maybe the world, the universe is better without us, but I know the cold reality is that the universe cares not of the squabbles of mere humans, it is indifferent whether we make an impact or not. Maybe this may be the end for us, and sometimes... sometimes I smile because of it.

Helping

It's 7:23am. I am drunk, of course. Today I bring you gratitude I bring all the strength I can muster to feel the emotion of love for the universe, no matter the dark depressing outcome it gives us. I want to give as much as I can to the world, to the beings who brush against me in the light of day. I just want to tell them that my heart weighs for them, that they do not have to carry a burden of sorrow, for I wish to hold it. It is these things that I wish to say to the world, these things that fill me will love of life, that I want to tell the world. Let me love you, for you are my universe. Forever and always yours, Brian.

Sickening

It's 4:40am. On a night like this, where my brain knows no end to the insufferable noise of my words, I find no satisfaction. With every letter that goes into a senseless sentence, I feel no end to the torment of this life. Eternal, I feel at times, yet tonight I have no drive for success, or a drive for anything other than a reckless endeavor. I simply want to feed my emotions with swigs of alcohol, and drive a cancer in between my skin, simply because I wish for the day that I mean something to someone. Maybe it is this desperate need, that plagues my entire life, something I may have skipped in my teenage life, a need for care and love from family, or friendships. I do not think I will ever find it, even in someone else, I think I am desperately alone, for an eternity, and I think I should accept it, no matter how hard the wires and razors this idea holds. I am not meant for this town, I am not meant for this world, but here I am nonetheless, I won't change, I am here, I am alive.

As I lie here

It's 4:02am. As I lie here, beaten and drunk in the vastness of my absurdity, I cling to think about the memories I had alone. In New York, I felt so different. As if I was someone else. I felt freedom, but if you are someone with a molecule of intelligence you would know that freedom, while something to always strive for, has a deep dark side to it. This freedom, that can quench my thirst for meaning, can also hold a very deep hole, something so frightening it rattles my bones. Death, the ending to all endings of life. I felt it for a second, while over there, that at any moment, at any time, I could fall, I could be murdered, and who would know of it? Would my family weep for me? Would the friends I have made, mourn my passing? I would think to not care, as life is only meaningful in death, for we as the meaningless people, the faceless would not dare to ask for someone to care. It is us truly, who die in darkness, who the masses do not see, who truly suffer the void of eternal darkness. So let me lie here, beaten, and drunk, alone and diminished. So for that moment, for the endless moments of fear that may plague me, I thank thee, I thank thee for the fear, and sadness, for one day I will feel nothing more. Let that day never come.