Distancing

It's 5:05am. Today I could not get this thought out of my mind. The thought that things happen around me, and I do no feel them, thus I end up with an empty hole in my being. I see things, and experience them, but I have a lack of anything, and things just happen. I kept repeating the line from the show "End of the fucking world". I relate to the male protagonist, a lot. He said this line, "sometimes I just let things happen". It's that disassociation from reality, that cold ebb from the real, the eye that sees from a distance. I feel literally, physically, as if the eye is me. The eye who's cold gaze lingers on the world of material. So sometimes, I just let things fall down, I let them break, and allow the cold waves of the ocean bury me until the water fills my lungs. I think part of me, would like to see the chaos it brings, maybe because I want to feel a moment of control, as if I could manage the chaos of this meaningless existence. I cannot get this feeling out of my head, the distance, the feeling of being gone. It's oddly alluring, and comforting, but I know that it brings malice, and will be my downfall if I choose to embrace it. I do not know, but maybe one day I will choose to accept it, and let the waves fall upon me for the last time, to swallow my sanity.