Questions

 It's currently 8:42pm. Lately I've been noticing things about people. Their tastes, their likes, their interests, their traumas. I can't say I do not feel anything for them. Is it pity? Is it empathy? Who's to say? Not I, for someone such as I who feels so little I am once again thrust into emotionally charged words. How does one comfort others? How do I saturate my face with emotion? Numbness is all I know at these times. Disassociation by fleeing. My default setting of numbness, of emotionless apathy. I notice things, yes, I ache to feel attached. I ache so much, but never could feel it. I fear I've lost so many emotions, apathy is the only constant. I enjoy knowing others, intensely. I enjoy seeing their sadness, their fears, their joy. Is it because I ache for knowing their emotions? Is it because I cry out to god in anger for making me this way? God is a pathetic notion, for in the vastness of the absurdity we call the cosmos, we have the gall to call this divine perfection? So cosmos, absurdity, indifference, why have you made me so? To give me a hell of your own making? Or is it because I am meant to live a different life? Where am I to go? Who am I to be? 

A simple day

 It's currently 11:49pm, at the time of writing this blog entry. I'm listening to "I'm Single" by Lil Wayne. It was recommended by a friend. Today I began by waking up at 7:30am, for work. I went and left, came home and watched "Scooby-Doo" the live action movie with Matthew Lillard. I can tell you right now, that he did a phenomenal job in portraying Shaggy. It really sold the movie, his dynamic with a very 2000's cgi dog. I slept through a couple horror movies, that my sister ended up watching. It's strange to want to connect yet be so far away. I dislike the time I spend with my family. I connect with them, but the times I do it never feels good. It feels wrong. I took a mushroom pill of 500mgs. I spent time with Zolt in his stream, simply listening and vibing to the music. Coming down, I tried to realize the complete oneness of my life. I know as an asexual person, I could never be like them. It's sad to me, to never able to love. I do not mean sex, but love, romantic love, it's alluring. Alluring but unsatisfying. Always unsatisfying, as everything really seems to be. When I came down, I realize how truly uninteresting my life really is, how unsatisfying it has been. I find myself in a wallow of sadness and misery. I assume this emotion is what I've normally felt, and have grown numb to feeling. I am now listening to Low Roar, great band. Now I plan on going to sleep soon, but my emotions are still raw. I don't enjoy things anymore I've come to realize, everything is simple and boring. Is this life? Is this how it always was? When did it get like this? I don't know. 

Blackened soul

 It's currently 11:14pm. In the throws of my emotional stupor I find myself tonight doing silly things. I kept thinking about this thing I wrote in my head. Saying it out loud I found truth. Never live a life of things unsaid, it'll kill you inside. It's so hard though, to breathe again, after saying what you needed to. The settling of leaves after a tornado, it feels like. Again and again I keep these feelings to myself. My walls are being broken. For someone with a black soul, the cracks that have formed are much brighter than someone would imagine. A pathetic little show. 

Connect, or Don't.

 Now it's 2:39am. I want to talk tonight about the strings that we've made in our lives. Time and time again I reiterate the fact someone like me despises connections, rejecting the desire for friendship, and love. I sit here today distraught, for today I am again show a stretched out hand. I turn away, and signal detachment. But today I'm met with more determination, this hand. I despise this, I reject this, and yet they stretch their fingers unto mine. I do not need a hand, I do not need help, I will find my way through the dirt filling my lungs. Gasp and gasp I shall, but for the next few years of gasping their will be release, whether it be from the last of the oxygen leaving my brain, or from a sigh of relief to be above ground. I don't need anyone. I certainly don't need you. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

It's a job

 Currently 4:03am. More time than not I'm sitting here alone, bored and trying to taste an emotion that has for the most part left my being. Tonight I seek closure, I seek an end. In this moment I find myself staring into the abyss, the void. Oh how bleak you stare back at me, how you envelop me in your darkness! I am enamored with your cold touch, I am forever entranced by your call. Tonight though, I seek a moment of beautiful silence. I seek a hopeful thread. Tonight I find myself unaware of your call, it must be the changes I've been having. These friendships, these connections, I think have made me disillusioned, they cloud my judgement. In the end I long for you, I ache for you, I want you. I will forever want your taste, and yet I sit here in my misery. Miserable man, whining for a love that has forgotten him.  

Can't figure

 Currently 12:27am. I come today with emotions, they're bubbling in my being. I find myself as of late, more drowning in these emotions of fear. I've been making these connections recently, and haven't been letting them go as of late. I feel more attuned to normalcy, to humanity. Is it normal to feel such anxiety of these connections? I remember in my earlier years, I found myself too scared to continue connections, severing them in quick succession. It was easy, to lose friends. It was an easy thing to pull away, to forget. Nowadays I keep these connections, but I feel incredibly vulnerable, afraid, like they will hurt me. I am not sure if I will do the thing I always do, pull away. Distancing myself feels correct, it feels like I'm in turmoil at the moment. I am not sure it would be so easy, to cut it off like a frostbitten limb. It's quite enticing, sweet release. At the same time I enjoy connections, but I feel like it's wrong, to have so many to keep so many. I might just do it again, and hit the reset. People are cruel, I know this, so why do I wish to keep myself so attuned to their cruelty? Why do I struggle to keep myself open? It is because my heart is not one to be open, but a closed casket forever, and always. 

It's been 3 weeks

 It's currently 12:50am. Why are you still here? It's been three weeks and you're still here, I can hear your soft whispers. Like the mermaids sweet lullaby I'm entranced. I can almost taste your lips with every note. It's been three weeks and you're still here and I can't get you out of my head. I can't let you leave. 

There's no reason for me to keep feeling anything for you, yet I can't forget you. I can't forget the moments I wished would've happened. The words I wanted to say to you. For a moment I really thought I could open my heart. For a single moment I really thought I could change. Yet as the days go by, I see I never meant a single thing for you. Another disillusioned lost boy in a sea of men. Another tool to use. Another moment of sexual disappointment. I can see I meant nothing. And yet I grieve, I ache for your dulcet voice, I long for your scent. There's nothing for me, I was fine with my solitude, I was broken but put together, and now I'm scattered amongst miles of sand and bones. I do appreciate the time we shared, for without it I would never know my reality. The reality of love. Love that I cannot ever share, love that I despised so much, love that I forever envy. It's something to observe from afar, I see that now. Never will I entertain the warmness of it. Never will I open myself again. Never will I hold you in any contempt, because I know you along with countless other lovers seek it, to grow from it. I hate that I could never love you, and I'm sorry.