Today is the new Tomorrow

 Currently 9:08am. I find myself again, swayed by the thought of writing. Many days, I cannot even fathom what I would say. Yet at this time I can't help but write about my disparity between my humanity and my ever present disconnect. I have moments of pure comfort with society, laughing at the moments with enjoyment with everyone around me. These moments come and go, but there's always a lingering voice, a shadow, a wound. This small entity, shows it's face with such vigor at times. It's almost too much to bear. This face that is shown can fling and throw every moment and cause absolute chaos. It's hideous demeanor can only be seen briefly though, for too much can cause society to shun it. Too many a time I have shown it to be greeted with disgusted faces, and scoffs of disapproval. To the few that see it though, I hope that it brings comfort, for when it is comforted it flourishes. As of now, I know that these two sides can only exist if they give each other the lime light. I realize now the more I try to fit myself into a box of society, the more I tend to wince my tongue at it's sour taste. There will be a day I hope, when I can finally breathe when I can finally expand my fingers to touch life again. The only hope is that it comes soon, for all I can see is the blinding light of pure joyfulness. 

Another day

 Currently 12:23Am. I find myself in a time where everything I feel is empty. Nothing of value matters, nothing makes sense. Tonight among many nights, I feel like I'm wasting my time. Socialization makes me feel all the more lost. I realize that too much socialization makes me feel like everything moves too fast. As if I'm trying to blend in with the many others obsessed with the comforting feelings of being with each other. I keep trying to deny this thing inside my atoms. It's like I was never meant to be amongst the joyful crowds. At some point, I think, I may just quit. I would quit drowning myself in social comfort. To be true to myself means cutting off the rotting flesh of my limbs. The only purpose of socialization, should be to confidently reaffirm my idea of reality. To balance my ideas with the ideas of the unreal would be to coax mental instability, as such I should try to communicate with the living to a degree in which would be acceptable, even if it may be only but a minute of socializing. At some point, I will leave, I think and my entire online existence will be this blog. Completely personal, and never in dire need for another, I will sit here, in complete isolation. Maybe then it will bring me joy and meaning, or finally goad me into ending my pitiful existence. 

Finding comfort

 It's 12:55am It pains me to say these days hold no value to me. With November came a time to rejoice with family, and loved ones. Along with the stuffing, the turkey, warmth and comfort of living in a home, came the truly intense sadness. For as someone such as I, one cannot be comforted by the presence of family. I have this thing that makes me more than uncomfortable, with family. It's as if being near them I have to plaster this smile and take in part of their merriment. It is simply not in me, I am not of the people made with that intact. Forever I feel distant from my blood, and this is not in part of me disliking my culture, or my skin but another entirely alternative hate for the comfort of others. It's never felt 'correct'. I'm not sure if it's because of my childhood, or something I've developed in the past few years. I know for a fact though, that being near others always puts me in a mood of sadness or incorrect place. Even now, as I make online friendships, and bonds, I'm starting to have that distant echo to cut everything off. Like severing the excess fat from my hips. Snipping away at my skin, and muscle. I think as I grow older I might have a sense that I should appreciate family and friends, while I still can. I already have appreciated everything, I just don't think I could ever be happy around humanity. Society, humanity, they are simply too far from me. Too far to want to love, to far to care about, too far to truly sense them anymore. I don't know, this feeling, it's pervasive, it's enveloping, comfortable. It's completely... well... ME.

Distancing

 Currently 11:50pm. It is another night I find myself in a sea of emotion. Oh how I've missed this. It's enough to make my heart swell, my eyes water, my soul sing. I keep finding myself in this area of life where I am looking through a window at others. The older I grow, the father I stray from humanity. I think at some point, I will be in a place so far that I will no longer look through this window, the glass no longer peaking my curiosity. Is it normal I wonder? Is this a certainty that everyone who ages will come to this same conclusion? At times I wonder if my words and actions hold any meaning. I can gloat, I can praise, I can do many a thing, but it all seems meaningless. In the end, the only reasoning behind these things is the meaning that I choose to give it. I can throw a tantrum, and destroy every relationship I've ever had, throw myself into a river of traffic, and like a glimmer from a shard of glass, my life could extinguish. What does one even need the reasoning behind meaning? I think, it's because of this human need to find reasoning in existence. To have some sort of comfort in a chaotic and uncaring life. I would be lying to say I've never heard the call to the end. Regardless, it is not in my best interest to fling myself into such thoughts, there is still much to do before the end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but the end will always be there, and to a certain degree I find comfort in it. Comfort in the day that it might finally come, and whisk me away. 

The long drive

 It was a long drive from my cabin to the city. I could feel the wind flowing through my hair, my skin slowly beginning to crawl with bumps along my arms. The whiff of grease and oil caught my nose, within seconds I could imagine the flavors all mixed with sauces in a bun. "Oh how delicious" I thought, how one could possibly make such a delectable treat. My mouth began to water at the thought. The road, winding showed no signs of progression, grassy knolls, upon grassy knolls, dead weeds upon dead weeds. I glanced around my broken metal tank, the bag filled with a meaty treat still called to me. The tank was littered with patches of clothing, some wrinkled bags, and crumbs of a forgotten taste. The putter of the engine drowned out the lingering noise of this taste, alas it reared it's head again, whispering to me, yelling at me to claw until I could no longer refuse! I halted the machine to a stop, the roar no longer whimpering in my ears. As I stretched my arms to this delicious meal, I paused a moment to check my surroundings, be it on Halloween that something would go awry in my journey to the city. Empty, all alone. No one to disturb me. I opened the brown bag to reveal the beauty sloppily sliding off of the well rounded bun. As it touched my lips, my tongue, I could not stop myself from tossing it around, the tender strings of meat tough, but all the more chewy. I slobbered for another bite until the meal was no more. I shivered with intensity, no more was this meaty beauty in this world, I could no longer taste such a marvel! A world without this? Nay! I REFUSE. Aloud I scoffed, and exited my metal home. I ran to the end of this marble made car, my keys in hand, and opened the trunk. Looking back at me, with eyes wider than the sun a young sack of flesh pleading for mercy. I couldn't help but smirk again, to think I would let such precious meat go to waste! She struggled in her bindings, but I knew all too well of how one fleshy meal could escape me. Hidden in a compartment, was my tools, the flawlessly curved blades, hacksaw, and of course ropes. I could not wait any longer, my mouth had begun to miss the taste of heavenly flesh no longer could I wait for another opportunity I would eat it THEN and THERE. So I began to hack, in and out, in and out, oh and her cries wailed into the night! Oh how she cried so! And I too cried aloud so enamored by her bleats of mercy. Oh how delicious. (Hope you had a good Halloween!)

The Allure of Suicide

 It's 8:55pm. There's no doubt in my mind that everyone who has ever breathed a breath of air has considered suicide at some point in their life. I'm sitting here, with nothing but the taste of death on my breath. "Oh how I would love to die in the arms of my lover!" They scream with such vivacity. I have fantasized many times of how I would die, in a sea of blood, the bullets hitting my flesh as bits of my being slowly rip from my bones. Or another time how I would simply swerve a little to the left hitting the oncoming truck with the full force of American made metallic muscle. How the flames of the fire would begin to singe and melt my skin away in a few agonizing minutes. Or even a simpler one, where I could use a shotgun and taste the iron on my lips before my teeth spring onto my brain making their own shotgun shells. No my death is sure to be a gruesome one, I think. Alas, I doubt it, more than likely I slip on a wet surface of my dingy apartment floor and use my brain as a cushion before my brittle bones could break the fall. How pitiful, truly it is to be elderly always watching to not accidently swallow too fast or too slow, to not forget to take a certain pill lest you shit yourself. I wish I had died sooner, I keep thinking. When I was younger I thought I would die by 21 I didn't expect to be alive right now. Now that I am, I don't know why to keep on living. I guess it's to better humanity in some way, but what if we don't have a reason to? There's no reason to trying to better this pounds of flesh that move within the walls of society, in fact there's not a fathomable reason to even be nice, then why try so hard? Maybe we should just leave each other to die. I mean, after all we all gotta die sometime. 

Boredom

 Currently 8:08pm. Tonight I come with tidings of boredom. It seems so prevalent now, I seem to always be in a rut. I can't enjoy things anymore. I think I'm a little messed up, but I don't like to dwell on this. Often times I throw myself into twitch, I feel I get a lot of my social needs from streamers, and streaming alike. It's important to connect, truly for mental stability. The thing is, I don't enjoy it. I throw money at a lot of people because it brings me relief of a sort, like I'm doing something genuinely unselfish, when in reality I get more benefits than anything else. I'm a very selfish person. I've been told multiple times that these relationships on twitch are parasocial, which I find it absolutely true. On the other hand, I don't really mind it, but at the same time the watcher gets satisfaction with the attention the streamer gives them. I think it's a ridiculous substitution for genuine friendships but to people like me, completely inept and uninterested in meaningful relationships, I find it stupidly important to keep my mental stability intact. Someone such as I, who is very selfish can find comfort and ease in dropping a couple subs or donations to for a brief moment have satisfying unselfishness, or a pathetic version of the illusion. At the end of the day, twitch is great in terms of that, but at the same time I feel like part of me is dying, as if I can't genuinely craft myself in my mind. I found myself talking to myself much less than I usually do, which I find concerning. There's always a streamer on the other side just a click away. So why even begin to question myself, when there's someone out there who I can divert my attention to? I miss myself, I think I need to chill out on the social stuff. It doesn't feel right, it never does. I feel like I'm dying. I'm so tired.