Boredom

 Currently 8:08pm. Tonight I come with tidings of boredom. It seems so prevalent now, I seem to always be in a rut. I can't enjoy things anymore. I think I'm a little messed up, but I don't like to dwell on this. Often times I throw myself into twitch, I feel I get a lot of my social needs from streamers, and streaming alike. It's important to connect, truly for mental stability. The thing is, I don't enjoy it. I throw money at a lot of people because it brings me relief of a sort, like I'm doing something genuinely unselfish, when in reality I get more benefits than anything else. I'm a very selfish person. I've been told multiple times that these relationships on twitch are parasocial, which I find it absolutely true. On the other hand, I don't really mind it, but at the same time the watcher gets satisfaction with the attention the streamer gives them. I think it's a ridiculous substitution for genuine friendships but to people like me, completely inept and uninterested in meaningful relationships, I find it stupidly important to keep my mental stability intact. Someone such as I, who is very selfish can find comfort and ease in dropping a couple subs or donations to for a brief moment have satisfying unselfishness, or a pathetic version of the illusion. At the end of the day, twitch is great in terms of that, but at the same time I feel like part of me is dying, as if I can't genuinely craft myself in my mind. I found myself talking to myself much less than I usually do, which I find concerning. There's always a streamer on the other side just a click away. So why even begin to question myself, when there's someone out there who I can divert my attention to? I miss myself, I think I need to chill out on the social stuff. It doesn't feel right, it never does. I feel like I'm dying. I'm so tired.