Monotony

 Time is currently 8:41am. I sit here postulating on ideas of earlier, with no avail for any sort of sense. I feel as if my life has become an empty shell of what was before. It has become a monotonous grind of consistency. For if we are consistent, shall we gain fame? Consistency marries the notion of success, for if one does not become consistent he is destined to be a lost cause. I lay here, buried in a mountain of excess of time and consistency, yet hold no notion of success of fame to my name, I feel as if I am wasting my time in things I should spend alone, wallowing in my own pain and sadness. This place I call home is nothing but a cave of sadness and a hole of enduring pain. I wish to leave this home, I wish to embrace the completeness of life. Oh how does one mend a heart so burdened by hatred? Oh how does one live to embrace such a rich fruit of life? I can only fathom, I can only dream of such a life. I am so tired some days, to be consistent it tires me. I am tired all the time because of the pressure that I have made upon myself. I am tired of all the people who pressure me into being something other than another person. Maybe it is time I look to the stars and see their bright shining luster, maybe it is them who will bring me the hope I need to survive the upcoming years of turmoil these humans so politely thrust upon us. I don't know, but surely I will find a way. If I don't then, hey, it's been a fun time. 

Humans

 Right now its 6:57am. I dislike typing on my phone but I felt I needed to write this all out. I see on social media how connected people are, all the time, it fills me with a sensation of drowning, how these people do not feel a sense of being underwater and overwhelmed with so many connections and socialization is beyond me. I feel at times I need more than "alone time" like there's a certain amount of that "alone time" that just never gets filled. I feel as if one day I might dissappear from the world, leave all my problems, and issues in another world. I might call myself Eric or something just for myself to get out of my head. Leave to a world where nothing is common, or familiar. I kept thinking to myself recently, that I might just be broken, or lost, how these flesh mounds of people can be so incredibly different from me, I can never understand. I think THAT is the fundamental issue with myself, and society, that I can never touch the brim of everyone's world, as they so easily do mine. Only time will tell, if I am more alien, than man, I guess. What a disaster. 

Lines

 It's currently 5:28am. Tonight feels as many other nights. Simple, delicate, I think that is why I find myself waiting for something to happen. They say 23 is the age things finally start happening in your life. I disagree, because things have always happened, regardless of age I have had many things happen around me, that have changed me. So far, these days I haven't really felt a pull to do anything, it is an issue to not have things rattling around my brain, as if someone could simply not feel. I want to start posting more on my instagram, I should take more pictures, stream more, write more. Sometimes though,  I feel nothing of the sort, so I stay stuck in the same place, anguishing over things I could fix, had I the intelligence, or the power to do so. Recently, I have been made aware of death. Death it seems, relates to many people. In death, we are all equal. I distrust people who have not seriously considered suicide. Why? Why would I distrust someone who hasn't suffered? It is because of the naivety of such a person who has not truly suffered. I find myself tiptoeing around these conversations, which should be free of judgement, but never are. Humanity is a disease, realizing this, would make any man want to die. Should we be free of these thoughts? I say no, because embracing death is not something that should be feared, but acknowledged. If I ever decide to die, know it is with much thought, and serious determination. From the abyss we come from, and to the abyss we will return.

Wither

 It's currently 5:17am. I'm using my phone to type, it feels a little strange, to be using a phone instead of typing it out on a keyboard. Nonetheless ill try my best to express myself in a much more intimate way than I can on stream. Recently I have been feeling a lot more hollow. Maybe my emotions are starting to dwindle, I keep coming back to my past trauma. It would seem that I have something that I cannot address, but I have somehow secluded and buried this grotesque scenario deep in my psyche. In the times I think about it, I feel incredibly afraid. I feel that I may never go back to the person I was if I end up seeking this instance, this evil in my heart. I am afraid of what I will find, I'm afraid that the feeble wall that I managed to build through the years may finally break and I will lose all sanity and patience. It's a bit maddening to not have memory, but if it means that I am stable, as a person then I will gladly accept the holes in my brain. I find myself deeply ingrained in loneliness, to the point where I am questioning the arbitrary meaning of connection. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I think I've made the conscious decision to be alone for the rest of my life, regardless of love, or simple connection. I think I'm just a little stranger than the rest of humanity, as much as I know I want to be like everyone else, I will never be like them. If you are like me, then remember that we are the beings that the normals write about, cursed beings tormented by loneliness and at the same time madly in love with it. Seek not help from unwanted normals, because you are perfect just the way you are.

To my future self

    It is now 7:33 am. I was told recently from my friend, about a certain experiment. It's about suicide. For myself, I presume nothing but utter rawness from your soul. Tonight is the night, it's the night that I finally say goodbye to the world that I used to know. This world that I despise, this world that hates me for who I am. At times, I know I was delighted to hear simple things to quell these thoughts, such as I provide a service to others, that can not be found anywhere else. Yet the more I lived, the more I saw, and I'm too sad, I'm sorry. I think that I can't be happy I think I'm a little too broken for this world, maybe I'm a little too odd to function in a place like this. I remember looking up some quotes from people who have committed suicide before, trying to find a semblance of humanity, of normality, and I unfortunately.... did. I'm sorry to my mother, I'm sorry to my father, I'm sorry I couldn't fix myself. I'm sorry for all the things I could've done better. To all my friend's who have spoken to me, I'm sorry I couldn't be more of help to you, it's just too hard. It's too hard to trot day by day, pretending to be happy when I know I clearly am not, to presume my daily functions, as if it does not hurt me so much. It's strange, to feel happy, because I think as I type these letters onto this hub of imagination I feel a sense of actual true and complete joy. I'm sad, I'm sad that people like me will never find that happiness. I'm sad I could not do the things I have always wanted to do. I am sad that I could never be the hero that my people deserve. I hope that one day, you will find that special person, that special human that makes life worth living, whether it be another person or maybe it's yourself. To me, it was never another person, this hole I felt was so hard to hide, but I believe some person out there could fill it with themselves, loneliness my friend, isn't something to be afraid of, but to embrace. Embrace the solitude, embrace the chaos, like so many others decide to hide away from, be different. I just want to say that the world doesn't deserve people like us, like you and me, they don't deserve to have us. People like us, really only have a few options in our life, suicide, homicide, or to align with these facades of humans we call our brethren. Choose, and then accept the fate. I think for me, this was always my destiny, this was always how it ended, no matter my choice. So I just want to say fuck the world. Fuck everything.- Brian

I just don't understand

Currently 5:23am. I sit here, alone and tortured not by someone else, but by my own memories of a better time. I am but a horse being spurred by a master too deranged and mad with speed he does not realize my skin has begun to bleed. I am alone, time and time again I tell myself this sentence. I am alone, alone with my thoughts, alone with my memories, alone with my pain. I live alone, albeit surrounded by people, I am more alone than a layman could ever fathom. To want love, is natural, to want connection is natural. It is unnatural we are told, that one should want solitude, that one would find themselves intoxicated by their solitude, so in love with being alone that one would choose to throw themselves in a place where none could touch them, or speak to them. Ah the 1% the 1% of people who know my pain, yet speak they do not. Voiceless, and with them dies the shred of hope I have with my connection to humanity. What a fucking disaster, an absolute tragedy and yet here I am, awake and breathing still I choose to live. To live in a pitiful existence, with nothing but my thoughts to guide my movements in every day. I just don't understand these people around me. I know, it's a sentence reiterated by many a normal, by the horde. When the horde does not align with what they perceive to be normal, ah but they have only seen a sliver, a tiny speck of what we have to live seeing every single day. It's these voices, these people who desperately try and connect with others to give their brains stability, to realize that they are here, they are alive. So what of us? What of the ones who simply see? The ones who speak nothing, and only see what happens around us? Are we not of this world? Are we not real? I don't know. I simply don't know.

Loner/Lover

It's 5:54pm, on the fourth of July. Usually, I have this desire to boast about my accomplishments, or embellish on meaningless things in my life. Honestly I don't wish to come off as a person that likes to pretend he's more than he is. I am simple, simple to almost a detriment. My life is so meaningless, if I died tomorrow, there would be little people to show up at my funeral, I feel myself slipping in and out of a state of madness at times, dark and blotchy. I have these strange ideas, that when I am in the midst of euphoria, that you get from the close people around you, it puts me off. It's as if I'm not in completely, like I'm feigning these emotions to please the people around me. It's not that I hate them, I do not hate them, I simply dislike them, I dislike the feeling of community. I at times feel like an alien in the sea of humans, not in a way that my individuality can be something to be proud of. More of a way that my individuality makes me abnormal, it makes me excluded from these people. I cannot enjoy family, I seem to be a bit odd, in that way. I cannot completely give myself to people it seems, and I don't think that is evil or wrong, but it makes me very lonely. I am lonely. So alone I will stand, if only to give hope to someone that feels the same as I. To those individuals, I say stand alone as well, for we are one and the same even if we are worlds apart, I am here, I am real. Fear me.