Nevertheless Alone

 It's 11:48pm. Tonight I feel drunk again on my emotions. Again I find myself distraught and tossed across my room. I have felt somewhat sad as of late, missing my first loves. It's interesting to view, such wrong people who entered my life could leave just as fast. I feel a little abandoned, which seems like such a foreign emotion. To miss, even when they still live? It makes little sense. I think I got too close, opened myself too much. I felt it though, their pull away, their disinterest. I could taste it. I could taste it in their movements, their face when I told them about my sincerities, their tone. How I wished my love could withstand such brutality, my heart cold as ice, made of stone for so long had begun to melt. After this though, this sorrow, this failure, I have fallen into my old ways. The old ways of numbness, of solitude. I think, truly, this must be my future. This, along with my distaste, my distrust, and anger for my fellow man. I speak now, as a man that has lived through heartache, one who has gathered most of the flesh from my heart, never again. It was never on my path, and as much as I forced it, it can never be. Alone I will walk until my feet shall bleed love, but it will be mine alone and forever for myself.

Concerts

 It's 9:05pm. I went to "The Devil Wears Prada" concert in my city. While I took some shrooms, I gave my friends some as well. I had an amazing time on them there, moments where I was genuinely frightened, but most of the time I enjoyed myself vibing to the music. My friends on the other hand, felt very aggressive and annoyed. Their time there wasn't enjoyable. Which got me thinking, why do I hold value in what they perceive? Is it because I value their insight? Should one truly have such value in friendships? I've been frustrated as of late, like these people I've met are fun. Fun and nothing more. I want to enter their hearts but I feel like they don't show me, and if they do I don't like what I see. More and more I think personally, I am meant to do more for myself and myself alone. Always and forever, it is US it is ME that must come first. One who is not meant to love, to truly open my heart, it is US who must make something of this void and hold the world in our palms. Connections seem diminished, they are a waste of time. I keep coming to this conclusion, that which is in the core of my being, that I am alone and will forever be. 

Superdose

 Time is 8:58pm. There's so much beauty in the world, I have to say. The more I've taken mushrooms the more beauty I find myself surrounded in. At the same time, this last trip I took a day ago, I realized how truly hopeless I am. I am not sure if this is indicative of a "bad trip" but I did take a different strand of mushrooms this time. Usually, I have a strong sense of euphoria when I'm on shrooms. This time though, I found myself completely alone, and still able to see the beauty of things, but it was much more introspective. I have realized now that these powerful natural occurring fungi, as fun as they are will not truly change me. I have garnered a different perspective, sure. I have found enjoyment in socialization through them, but once they wear off I'm again the same person. I am the same man through and through. I love that they are fun, and at the same time frightening, if abused. It's a fine line though the line we tread on a trip. More and more I enjoy myself. These things I think should be used alone to truly delve into what makes my life, my life. 

Questions

 It's currently 8:42pm. Lately I've been noticing things about people. Their tastes, their likes, their interests, their traumas. I can't say I do not feel anything for them. Is it pity? Is it empathy? Who's to say? Not I, for someone such as I who feels so little I am once again thrust into emotionally charged words. How does one comfort others? How do I saturate my face with emotion? Numbness is all I know at these times. Disassociation by fleeing. My default setting of numbness, of emotionless apathy. I notice things, yes, I ache to feel attached. I ache so much, but never could feel it. I fear I've lost so many emotions, apathy is the only constant. I enjoy knowing others, intensely. I enjoy seeing their sadness, their fears, their joy. Is it because I ache for knowing their emotions? Is it because I cry out to god in anger for making me this way? God is a pathetic notion, for in the vastness of the absurdity we call the cosmos, we have the gall to call this divine perfection? So cosmos, absurdity, indifference, why have you made me so? To give me a hell of your own making? Or is it because I am meant to live a different life? Where am I to go? Who am I to be? 

A simple day

 It's currently 11:49pm, at the time of writing this blog entry. I'm listening to "I'm Single" by Lil Wayne. It was recommended by a friend. Today I began by waking up at 7:30am, for work. I went and left, came home and watched "Scooby-Doo" the live action movie with Matthew Lillard. I can tell you right now, that he did a phenomenal job in portraying Shaggy. It really sold the movie, his dynamic with a very 2000's cgi dog. I slept through a couple horror movies, that my sister ended up watching. It's strange to want to connect yet be so far away. I dislike the time I spend with my family. I connect with them, but the times I do it never feels good. It feels wrong. I took a mushroom pill of 500mgs. I spent time with Zolt in his stream, simply listening and vibing to the music. Coming down, I tried to realize the complete oneness of my life. I know as an asexual person, I could never be like them. It's sad to me, to never able to love. I do not mean sex, but love, romantic love, it's alluring. Alluring but unsatisfying. Always unsatisfying, as everything really seems to be. When I came down, I realize how truly uninteresting my life really is, how unsatisfying it has been. I find myself in a wallow of sadness and misery. I assume this emotion is what I've normally felt, and have grown numb to feeling. I am now listening to Low Roar, great band. Now I plan on going to sleep soon, but my emotions are still raw. I don't enjoy things anymore I've come to realize, everything is simple and boring. Is this life? Is this how it always was? When did it get like this? I don't know. 

Blackened soul

 It's currently 11:14pm. In the throws of my emotional stupor I find myself tonight doing silly things. I kept thinking about this thing I wrote in my head. Saying it out loud I found truth. Never live a life of things unsaid, it'll kill you inside. It's so hard though, to breathe again, after saying what you needed to. The settling of leaves after a tornado, it feels like. Again and again I keep these feelings to myself. My walls are being broken. For someone with a black soul, the cracks that have formed are much brighter than someone would imagine. A pathetic little show. 

Connect, or Don't.

 Now it's 2:39am. I want to talk tonight about the strings that we've made in our lives. Time and time again I reiterate the fact someone like me despises connections, rejecting the desire for friendship, and love. I sit here today distraught, for today I am again show a stretched out hand. I turn away, and signal detachment. But today I'm met with more determination, this hand. I despise this, I reject this, and yet they stretch their fingers unto mine. I do not need a hand, I do not need help, I will find my way through the dirt filling my lungs. Gasp and gasp I shall, but for the next few years of gasping their will be release, whether it be from the last of the oxygen leaving my brain, or from a sigh of relief to be above ground. I don't need anyone. I certainly don't need you. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.