Questions

 It's currently 8:42pm. Lately I've been noticing things about people. Their tastes, their likes, their interests, their traumas. I can't say I do not feel anything for them. Is it pity? Is it empathy? Who's to say? Not I, for someone such as I who feels so little I am once again thrust into emotionally charged words. How does one comfort others? How do I saturate my face with emotion? Numbness is all I know at these times. Disassociation by fleeing. My default setting of numbness, of emotionless apathy. I notice things, yes, I ache to feel attached. I ache so much, but never could feel it. I fear I've lost so many emotions, apathy is the only constant. I enjoy knowing others, intensely. I enjoy seeing their sadness, their fears, their joy. Is it because I ache for knowing their emotions? Is it because I cry out to god in anger for making me this way? God is a pathetic notion, for in the vastness of the absurdity we call the cosmos, we have the gall to call this divine perfection? So cosmos, absurdity, indifference, why have you made me so? To give me a hell of your own making? Or is it because I am meant to live a different life? Where am I to go? Who am I to be? 

A simple day

 It's currently 11:49pm, at the time of writing this blog entry. I'm listening to "I'm Single" by Lil Wayne. It was recommended by a friend. Today I began by waking up at 7:30am, for work. I went and left, came home and watched "Scooby-Doo" the live action movie with Matthew Lillard. I can tell you right now, that he did a phenomenal job in portraying Shaggy. It really sold the movie, his dynamic with a very 2000's cgi dog. I slept through a couple horror movies, that my sister ended up watching. It's strange to want to connect yet be so far away. I dislike the time I spend with my family. I connect with them, but the times I do it never feels good. It feels wrong. I took a mushroom pill of 500mgs. I spent time with Zolt in his stream, simply listening and vibing to the music. Coming down, I tried to realize the complete oneness of my life. I know as an asexual person, I could never be like them. It's sad to me, to never able to love. I do not mean sex, but love, romantic love, it's alluring. Alluring but unsatisfying. Always unsatisfying, as everything really seems to be. When I came down, I realize how truly uninteresting my life really is, how unsatisfying it has been. I find myself in a wallow of sadness and misery. I assume this emotion is what I've normally felt, and have grown numb to feeling. I am now listening to Low Roar, great band. Now I plan on going to sleep soon, but my emotions are still raw. I don't enjoy things anymore I've come to realize, everything is simple and boring. Is this life? Is this how it always was? When did it get like this? I don't know.