Numbness to end numbness

It's 4:12am. I am writing this in a daze. I feel emotionless now, cold, numb. Numb to the emotional troubles of life. These are usually the times I tend to delve into gore, and try to assemble some shock to overcome this emotionless feeling. I have discovered alcohol, and with it, a new different feeling. The obnoxious feeling of rambunctiousness. I am invincible, I am relaxed and uncaring. Apathetic, and yet I am still numb. Maybe with another dose, another sip, another chug, I can succumb to this feeling of retardation. Something, to numb the numbness, or something to make me care about anything. Every night, I hope to find a sort of person that is similar to me, but so far, I have found one. One and the one that I so hoped was like me, ended up dead. Maybe it is my fate as well, to die. As it is to everyone else, to die. Unlike others, I think for us it might be to choose death, unlike the horde who like to please themselves, in some unorthodox ways. Eternally holding out their hands like beggars in the streets. Not I, I whisper not I. Nay, we choose the end, our own way. We are not cowards, we are in fact, martyrs of a new age of self realization.