Another nightmare part 2

 It's currently 2:42am. I had another nightmare, this time I dreamt about suicide. I met an old man about the age of 54. He began to regale me with stories of his time living near a frozen lake. This place was a frozen tundra, about a town of 30-50 people. He told me of the common frequency of the suicides that have taken place near his home, in the lake. He told me stories of the elderly that grew tired of living who decided to enter the icy abyss of the lake, they would make a hole, and dive in, never to return. It wasn't until later that he managed to fish some of them out. One elderly man, another younger woman, and someone else who I cannot for the life of me remember. What I do remember, was each of their skin color, pale as milk. Their hands were stiff, and mangled in opposite directions, their eyes were bloodshot, and yet still. I began to imagine myself in their position, I would make a hole, I would take my final breath of air and jump into it. Full body and all, I would feel the cold at first, my muscles stiffening, my lungs begin to give out, filling with cool water, then numbness. A numbness to end the numbness, a final slumber to end all slumbers. My final view would be at the icy blue color of the frozen water above me, a final glimpse into beauty. 

Take

 Currently 10:31pm. I'm sitting here, in another apathetic state. It feels more intense now, these days just blur into the next. I have no feelings sometimes, no amount of human contact will ever relieve me of such intense apathy. It's less of an annoying feeling, more like a constant in my life now. I assume it will become more of a comfortable emotion at some point. I wonder if at some point I will no longer enjoy anything permanently. If one becomes so numb, they no longer feel... are they still human? I don't know if I will succumb to this numbness, in time I will know. For now, I will distance myself from others. I will play with this apathy, maybe I could learn from it. I'm just really tired. I'm so tired. 

Another nightmare

 It's currently 10:16pm. 

It happened again, another nightmare. I tend to never dream, I tend to sleep and wake as any normal person does. Yet lately, I have been dreaming of torturous moments before my utter demise. This one, unlike the others, I found myself boarding a plane. This plane held an assortment of people, some young some old, and myself. All was well until we began to land, everyone was at ease. Even as we landed most of the people there were level headed, "oh yeah he's cutting it close but I'm sure it's fine". It was only when I heard a guttural scream from the end of our plane, then a metal clanking from above. I remember trying to keep myself calm, as people from the end began to get flung out of the end. The fuel of the jet, is at the end, so since I was more up front, I would most likely survive. I even began to believe to see myself in the future, mangled, and scarred but still alive, telling reporters of the story of the crash. It was then, my back and legs began to feel the heat of the flames from behind, and the metal clashing from just behind my seat. I felt blissful as the end neared my pitiful life. I knew it was over, and just then I awoke. I have had many nightmares, of my death. It's too often that I have begun to believe I have some sort of interest in the morbid nature of seeing my own demise. It's interesting too, the dreary feeling of lingering death. Maybe deep down, it is some sort of guilty desire to die. I will continue to divulge these nightmares, as I know they will continue to plague my mind. Until death truly takes me... 

Again

 Currently 3:53AM Tonight I feel incredibly empty. Earlier, I could not fathom any other feelings but complete and utter loneliness. Loneliness, it enveloped my entire being, as such a fire that burns completely a piece of wood. Yet this flame would not singe me with it's burning flame, on the contrary, it's blue hue left me feeling cold and withered. Do you know what it's like to see them, who smile and enjoy the merriment of others, and to feel no sort of feelings whatsoever in the face of that? Who but a beast of the woods would empathize with one so distraught?  It's quite alienating, as so I have said before. Oh but so many a time I would relay this story of courageous gleam! What a disaster to never be like them. I have realized this feeling of loneliness, at some time I would say this feeling would be alien but I have now realized it is more comfortable than many other feelings. It's cold embrace, and how I miss it so! Maybe I should learn to share and dig my nails into it more often, for what of the times I so many I am with others but to never truly enjoy myself. I am not like them, but a beast of the woods. Take me, far away from these mounds of flesh, let me become another beast of the woods, forevermore.

Creativity

 It's currently 5:03am. Tonight I want to talk about the incessant tingle that is within most of us. That small little voice that always seems to be wanting to yell. The small little itch that can never be really scratched. I want to talk about creativity. While many would be so ever open about their voice, opening it to the uncaring world with naivete, I choose to limit it, as the mind can conjure such precious beauties such as colorful trees, or shimmering lights, it too can conjure horrors in which imagination can barely comprehend. To one such as I, as many others, it would lead to devastating effects of the mind. To simply air things like, "oh but what if" evoking these other normal people to look upon you with such a lighter sentence, only to be faced with a disgusted look. My oh my, what comes to us is a deserved shunning. Yes we can cry out to be an antithesis of how they feel, till death rips the rug from under us! Oh but to be brought upon these 'others' and thrown into the pits of depravity! What delusional things these 'others' are. "How disgusting "they cry!  So maybe it's time to let us throw ourselves into this depravity! To show the world our heart! Fuck the masses of socially conscious mounds of flesh! Fuck whoever thinks they can shove their ideals down our throats! Light a fire from our passionate hatred! Shun me no longer, for I am my own GOD.

Complacent

 Currently 3:44am. Yet again, these feelings of solitude pierce my skin. I remember thinking, that maybe I'm messed up too much but I see even the weirdest people try their luck at a normal life. I could never. For someone such as me, someone damaged, someone who never could summon those emotions of love, I could never love. I always just run from relationships, every single one I've ever had I always tend to leave, maybe because I'm scared of them leaving me, or maybe because enough of them, always irritate me, they leave a sour taste in my mouth. On my deathbed, quote these words: "I'll never love". My entire life, I think I always missed something, and that something is much too dead to ever feel an emotion of love. Sure, I can get close but always I will end up leaving, do not trust my friendship. Ah, I miss my friends that I made. These guys, they always had something to say. I would say this lonely, deserted self, is the real me, more real than any type of person I try to portray. Do not shed tears at my funeral, spit on my grave, for a human such as me, deserves no less. 

Fractured

 Its currently 6:48am. Not much going on, well not much to speak about. If I am being honest I didn't expect to get this far,  to keep on breathing the same air, talking to the same people, its strange to me. I think maybe I'm not really supposed to be here. I always thought I would be gone by now. I know, its a bit morbid, I know its a bit melodramatic, but fuck it. I'm a bit drunk but I feel fine. I feel fine, I'm fine. I think inside today, I'm just really sad, almost like its too much for my heart to handle. I don't know where it comes from but no amount of tears could ever make me feel better, no hugs, no amount of therapy... maybe I was just born broken, or damaged. I think I'm a freak, a person without an objective, unnatural. Who cares, though. What matters is what I decide to do with my life, maybe ill do something worthwhile! Because fuck the world! And fuck these people!