Where

 It's currently 12:48am. I want to talk about my recent thoughts. Lately, I have been noticing my insecurities more often. More often than not, I find myself enthralled with fantasy in romance. I long for someone to love, and to be loved intensely, completely. I stab myself in my stomach though, consistently. It would be a horror to let my significant other look at my organs. I like to push friendships away, it seems. I know deep down I have a significant disinterest in companionship. For many reasons, I like to show love in small bursts and leave. I enjoy the distance, I enjoy being 'free' from the cage of love. Many days I mull in loneliness. Many days I cannot find the tears to cry. I simply wallow in my sadness until it passes. I am coming more to terms that I as a person simply cannot ever truly love. It does not cause me much distress to know I will die alone. It does not mean that I do not feel this empty hole in my chest though, and the times that it does come around it's unbearable, like I'm falling eternally in a void of darkness. Even in friendships, I cannot entirely be close with my friends. From everyone in my life, I feel the closest and more open with the two friends I have. I have shared my deepest and most troubling thoughts with them. I will never truly be open with anyone, lest it be myself. These pages, granted, digital, I find myself as open as I could ever be, yet I hold back. I'm starting to think the intimacy I want is only in my head, and imagination of intimacy is what I'm mimicking in reality.