Here I am

 It's 12:23am. I put off writing for a while now, I always feel weird typing, or expressing myself now. It's strange to be sober and write as if I can do it well enough without substances. I guess I'm very unimpressed by myself. The way I do things, it's very wishy washy. Inconsistent. Like this entire post. Anyways, I recently went to Boundary Dam in Washington near the border, it was nice I wrote a few things so I'm going to post them.

I made it to the dam. I keep thinking though, what it all meant. To be here the long trek across Idaho, just for a mediocre and underwhelming reward. I think about it frequently, the boredom. In solitude, I find myself overwhelmingly bored, and unsatisfied. In socializing I get the positive emotions associated with it, the joy in every interaction, the laughter you might get but it always feels like it's missing something, something solitude could fix. In the end, solitude is the only thing I could ever fathom to give myself to. It's peaceful, to be at the brink, to have very little and not need others, but nonetheless it brings boredom. 

Here's a few pictures I took during the long drive. There's a few more on my instagram too.

Well aware

 It's currently 2:35am. I decided to write this in midst of my trip. My thoughts keep racing, and I feel so good? Good. I feel so tortured daily, day in and day out the monotony of life. The constant upkeep of social life. Nowadays I feel enamored by the allure of you, of solitude. I try the ebb of socialization, of the need of constant admiration or love of connecting. Yet I come face to face with my end game, the realization of how damaged, how rotten I am. I do not DESERVE love. I DESERVE to suffer, to feel pain and torture. It is my curse to bear. Humanity is not something I wish to connect with. People are much too selfish, evil, and diseased. No more, I cry for release. The release I get is in solitude, for my adoration of the alone. No more I will desire, to connect I reject them. I reject their attempts, I am alone in my desires. In my solitude. I will love no other! I will love you, my solitude. 

Unsure

 It's 11:35pm. I haven't written in a while, my friend. I feel as if I've missed you. Like listening to a faded whisper. The ocean divides us, and yet I can hear your soft voice. I've been in reality more, and less in my own head. I will admit, it has made me question what I am. Where I lie, whether it be in this solitude and daydream, or is it with the connections I've made? I know that when I am with others, no matter how much fun and life they bring me, I cannot fully let them see me. I can show them the face I've built. The mask that I've woven through years of analysis. Who is Brian? Who is the person I see in the mirror? For the longest time I've seen a stranger. I've been speaking to a friend recently, I've asked them who they are, but they meet me with questions about themselves. They themselves know not who they are. I empathize greatly. I feel for them, I feel that they deserve to learn about what they want, who they wish to be. The world is so much bigger than what they've thrown themselves in. Life is experienced so intensely, it's vastness not limited to emotion. I wish all my friends get to live, at least for the time they have left. For me though, I feel as if I am an alien amongst man, a misaligned speck. I am wrong, and I will never be corrected. It is my disease, my curse. 

Nevertheless Alone

 It's 11:48pm. Tonight I feel drunk again on my emotions. Again I find myself distraught and tossed across my room. I have felt somewhat sad as of late, missing my first loves. It's interesting to view, such wrong people who entered my life could leave just as fast. I feel a little abandoned, which seems like such a foreign emotion. To miss, even when they still live? It makes little sense. I think I got too close, opened myself too much. I felt it though, their pull away, their disinterest. I could taste it. I could taste it in their movements, their face when I told them about my sincerities, their tone. How I wished my love could withstand such brutality, my heart cold as ice, made of stone for so long had begun to melt. After this though, this sorrow, this failure, I have fallen into my old ways. The old ways of numbness, of solitude. I think, truly, this must be my future. This, along with my distaste, my distrust, and anger for my fellow man. I speak now, as a man that has lived through heartache, one who has gathered most of the flesh from my heart, never again. It was never on my path, and as much as I forced it, it can never be. Alone I will walk until my feet shall bleed love, but it will be mine alone and forever for myself.

Concerts

 It's 9:05pm. I went to "The Devil Wears Prada" concert in my city. While I took some shrooms, I gave my friends some as well. I had an amazing time on them there, moments where I was genuinely frightened, but most of the time I enjoyed myself vibing to the music. My friends on the other hand, felt very aggressive and annoyed. Their time there wasn't enjoyable. Which got me thinking, why do I hold value in what they perceive? Is it because I value their insight? Should one truly have such value in friendships? I've been frustrated as of late, like these people I've met are fun. Fun and nothing more. I want to enter their hearts but I feel like they don't show me, and if they do I don't like what I see. More and more I think personally, I am meant to do more for myself and myself alone. Always and forever, it is US it is ME that must come first. One who is not meant to love, to truly open my heart, it is US who must make something of this void and hold the world in our palms. Connections seem diminished, they are a waste of time. I keep coming to this conclusion, that which is in the core of my being, that I am alone and will forever be. 

Superdose

 Time is 8:58pm. There's so much beauty in the world, I have to say. The more I've taken mushrooms the more beauty I find myself surrounded in. At the same time, this last trip I took a day ago, I realized how truly hopeless I am. I am not sure if this is indicative of a "bad trip" but I did take a different strand of mushrooms this time. Usually, I have a strong sense of euphoria when I'm on shrooms. This time though, I found myself completely alone, and still able to see the beauty of things, but it was much more introspective. I have realized now that these powerful natural occurring fungi, as fun as they are will not truly change me. I have garnered a different perspective, sure. I have found enjoyment in socialization through them, but once they wear off I'm again the same person. I am the same man through and through. I love that they are fun, and at the same time frightening, if abused. It's a fine line though the line we tread on a trip. More and more I enjoy myself. These things I think should be used alone to truly delve into what makes my life, my life. 

Questions

 It's currently 8:42pm. Lately I've been noticing things about people. Their tastes, their likes, their interests, their traumas. I can't say I do not feel anything for them. Is it pity? Is it empathy? Who's to say? Not I, for someone such as I who feels so little I am once again thrust into emotionally charged words. How does one comfort others? How do I saturate my face with emotion? Numbness is all I know at these times. Disassociation by fleeing. My default setting of numbness, of emotionless apathy. I notice things, yes, I ache to feel attached. I ache so much, but never could feel it. I fear I've lost so many emotions, apathy is the only constant. I enjoy knowing others, intensely. I enjoy seeing their sadness, their fears, their joy. Is it because I ache for knowing their emotions? Is it because I cry out to god in anger for making me this way? God is a pathetic notion, for in the vastness of the absurdity we call the cosmos, we have the gall to call this divine perfection? So cosmos, absurdity, indifference, why have you made me so? To give me a hell of your own making? Or is it because I am meant to live a different life? Where am I to go? Who am I to be?