It's currently 11:22pm. I'm coming up on a year of sobriety from alcohol! Yet I have the ache still, I enjoy psychedelics but they never give me that warm feeling alcohol does. Plus, I know I'm not abusing them. I know I'm not hurting myself when I trip. It's fun, but most of all it's healing myself from the scars of life when I do them. I think deep down I enjoy hurting myself, the feeling I'm actively in pain. It's fun, to know I could be developing a tumor, or destroying my liver. Maybe this ache, is eternal I fear. The ache of never loving truly, never fully being here. Maybe in the end, I find myself in a void so deep that I could never escape. I have once again lost friendships. It is of my own doing though, and I comply entirely. It is still painful though, to know what could have been. Now I sit here, always thinking, of the ways it could've turned out, could've been memorable. I have the moments though, and I must keep them within me for the rest of my time. I must go forward, I must keep walking, but it's so hard sometimes. It's so damn hard.
