Blackened soul

 It's currently 11:14pm. In the throws of my emotional stupor I find myself tonight doing silly things. I kept thinking about this thing I wrote in my head. Saying it out loud I found truth. Never live a life of things unsaid, it'll kill you inside. It's so hard though, to breathe again, after saying what you needed to. The settling of leaves after a tornado, it feels like. Again and again I keep these feelings to myself. My walls are being broken. For someone with a black soul, the cracks that have formed are much brighter than someone would imagine. A pathetic little show. 

Connect, or Don't.

 Now it's 2:39am. I want to talk tonight about the strings that we've made in our lives. Time and time again I reiterate the fact someone like me despises connections, rejecting the desire for friendship, and love. I sit here today distraught, for today I am again show a stretched out hand. I turn away, and signal detachment. But today I'm met with more determination, this hand. I despise this, I reject this, and yet they stretch their fingers unto mine. I do not need a hand, I do not need help, I will find my way through the dirt filling my lungs. Gasp and gasp I shall, but for the next few years of gasping their will be release, whether it be from the last of the oxygen leaving my brain, or from a sigh of relief to be above ground. I don't need anyone. I certainly don't need you. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

It's a job

 Currently 4:03am. More time than not I'm sitting here alone, bored and trying to taste an emotion that has for the most part left my being. Tonight I seek closure, I seek an end. In this moment I find myself staring into the abyss, the void. Oh how bleak you stare back at me, how you envelop me in your darkness! I am enamored with your cold touch, I am forever entranced by your call. Tonight though, I seek a moment of beautiful silence. I seek a hopeful thread. Tonight I find myself unaware of your call, it must be the changes I've been having. These friendships, these connections, I think have made me disillusioned, they cloud my judgement. In the end I long for you, I ache for you, I want you. I will forever want your taste, and yet I sit here in my misery. Miserable man, whining for a love that has forgotten him.